Newt Gingrich Is Lost In Space!

Fear not, GOP, your deliverer is at hand (or so he thinks anyway).

This New York Times story (I pretty much don’t even bother with the Inquirer anymore unless something extraordinarily stupid is published, though I should check out other sites more I guess) tells us that the author of the Contract On America is back to warn his fellow party members of impending doom (doesn’t take a rocket scientist or even a TV actor to see this one coming, does it?)…

In what was titled “My Plea to Republicans,” published on the Web site of the periodical Human Events, Mr. Gingrich, a former speaker, urged House Republicans to convene an emergency meeting in the wake of Saturday’s loss of a longtime Republican House seat in Louisiana. He called on them to force the leadership into devising a new approach to the coming elections.

“This plan should involve real change in legislative, communications, and campaign strategy and involve immediate, real action, including a complete overhaul of the Congressional Campaign Committee,” Mr. Gingrich wrote.

The blogger Ara has dug more deeply into what Newt proposes here (good job; that’s more time and attention than I would have ever paid to this philandering blowhard) and tells us of the following points in Newt’s plan to deliver the party he once led in the U.S. House to "the promised land" (I’ve added the appropriate commentary)...

1. Repeal the gas tax for the summer

Yeah, well, that’s pretty much been shown up to be nothing but a con at this point.

2. Redirect the oil being put into the national petroleum reserve onto the open market.

Sure, as soon as President Highest Disapproval Rating In Gallup Poll History decides to go along with it, and there’s no sign at the moment that he intends to do that (here - and the "Edwards" is Chet, by the way).

3. Introduce a "more energy at lower cost with less environmental damage and greater national security" bill.

Uh – OK; sounds like another PR job for the RNC…should keep them busy well into the fall. I’m sure Boehner and Sen. Mr. Elaine Chao will be on board with this one.

4. Establish an earmark moratorium for one year.

That’s going to be a real tough sell, as noted here.

5. Overhaul the census and cut its budget radically.

As noted here, though funding and conducting the upcoming 2010 census properly would appear to be a partisan issue…

...miscounts in any direction are bad for democracy. The census is used to decide core issues, like the number of Congressional representatives from each state, the shape of electoral districts and the allocation of federal dollars. To the extent the census is skewed, so is government.

Oh course, if you hate government like Dubya and the Repugs, well then, what's the dif, right?

And the Times editorial stated that, as of last year, there was an $18 million shortfall in funding to conduct the census. Guess how much money Dubya approved for it?

Zero.

6. Implement a space-based, GPS-style air traffic control system.

Oh dear God, I’m laughing so hard over this one that I may bust a gut (hence the post title)!

I’m not even going to “Google” for anything on how stupid an idea this is (maybe this is Newt’s way to pay homage to The Sainted Ronnie R; Newt threatens the employment of air traffic controllers here also).

Let’s see, years of R&D, billions in funding after contracts are awarded to create a network of orbiting satellites, the possibility that Lex Luthor could devise an invisible death ray to blow them all to pieces, thus forcing Superman to reroute every plane on earth…never mind.

7. Declare English the official language of government.

Yep, just keep digging that hole, Newt – you’re really winning over the Hispanic vote that way, thank you very much.

8. Protect the workers' right to a secret ballot.

Yes, we know you guys oppose the Employee Free Choice Act and have killed it, for now.

9. Remind Americans that judges matter.

Yep, I think I just covered that, actually.

And what do Newt’s own Repug brethren have to say? Well…

Others said it was not exactly a revelation that Republicans were suffering through some political turmoil. “Thanks a lot, Newt,” said Representative Mike Simpson, Republican of Idaho.

Actually, Newt, I have an idea that may help you out. Why don’t you start raising funds to build a spaceship to Mars for every Republican in Washington? That way, you could all go there to live and create this wonderful, fantasy conservative kingdom you guys tried to achieve over the last eight years, thus leading to the presently ruinous state of this country.

Next time you get any more bright ideas, contact the Weekly World News. I’m sure they’d be happy to give you some column space along with the Fountain of Vermouth Vermouth story and helpful tips on what to do if you’re bitten by a vampire (true!).

Update: Apparently the stupidity is contagious.