"Real Time" Update

The show began with Bill Maher’s face submerged in a tank as he held his breath and a timer ticked off underneath him, with a narrator intoning “Uh oh, he looks like he’s in trouble” just before Maher is pulled up, revealing that he was going for the record of “the world’s longest bong hit.” As we note the look of dazed contentment on Maher’s face, the narrator states that “Woody Harrelson’s record is still safe.”

In the monologue, Maher noted that Dubya’s approval rating had fallen into the 20s, and Maher confessed that “I’m rooting for him…it’s hard out there for a chimp.” Maher noted that Dubya said he doesn’t pay attention to polls because, if he wants to know what Americans are thinking, “he’ll just listen in on our calls…he just wants to find out if we’re happy with our long distance surveillance.” “Bush doesn’t get it,” Maher continued; “when we said we wanted more intelligence in the White House, this wasn’t what we were talking about.” Maher said that Dubya made this announcement; “we’re not mining or trolling through your personal lives…but in case you were wondering, Tom Cruise is gay.” Maher said that “Bush is collecting phone numbers but not doing anything with them…women hate that.” Maher also brought up the news item about the German writer who interviewed former presidents and asked them what their best moments were, and Dubya said that it was the time “he caught a 7 ½-pound perch; of course, Bush left out the part that he caught the fish in downtown New Orleans after Katrina hit…really, he caught it in his man-made lake at Crawford, but Bush didn’t mention the scuba diver who put the fish on the hook for him…Cheney joined him, and it was like shooting fish in a barrel.” Maher noted that “perch only go up to 4 pounds…so Bush lied, and a fish died”; Cheney said they pulled the fish out of the water, “and it greeted them as liberators.” Maher ended by noting that Mother’s Day was upcoming and mentioned that more calls are made on Mother’s Day than any other time of year, and that the NSA refers to it as “their busy season.”

Maher then interviewed former Secretary of State under Clinton Madeleine Albright about her new book, “The Mighty And The Almighty” (everybody was plugging a book this night), and Maher said, “So you were at the White House today – did you meet with a critic?,” and she said “I want you to know that they’re all still there and they’re all saying the same thing” (I’m sorry – I basically admire Albright though these people generally are far from perfect anyway, but let’s face it…the woman is a bit of a stick). Maher pointed out that former Secretaries of State had gathered to meet with Bush for a photo-op last time, and he asked if Bush actually listened this time, and Albright said, “there was lots of dialogue, and I told him he needed to move forward on Iraq” (what diplomacy, I thought to myself). “Did they need a testy meeting?” Maher asked, and Albright said, “They need opinions,” saying she was “tired of the paralysis.” Maher asked, “Does Bush think God made him president?,” and Albright said, “He thinks God is on his side, but he should follow the advice of Lincoln who said ‘we should be on God’s side,” and as someone in the Bible pointed out, “God is the unhappiest character in the story (because everyone is usually going against him).” Maher pointed out that, both here and in countries where radical Muslims exist, “They’re both too comfy with the thought of the world ending (oh, peachy…). Does it affect their decisions?” and Albright said no, but she was “worried about Bush’s certainty,” saying that, having worked for both Carter and Clinton, she understood the role that faith played to them, though it didn’t literally dictate their decisions (my paraphrasing). Maher then asked, “Was the plan to get the Sunnis and Shiites to fight each other (interesting thought), and could the Iraq civil war spread?” Albright said she hoped not, but it could turn into a regional war, and Iran would have the most to gain. Maher said, “If they’re fighting each other, does that help us” (presumably because terrorism would be concentrated in that region instead of spread out more). Albright said “maybe in a cynical way” and then went on to say that it’s impossible for us to believe that there’s no possibility that the war would spread...we’re playing with matches in the middle of oil fields.” Noting that, ironically, Albright’s father once taught Condoleezza Rice in college, Maher asked, “Would he be happy with her now?” and Albright only said she was “glad she appreciates that he was a good teacher.”

Maher then started the panel discussion with Dr. Cornel West (“Democracy Matters”), Richard Clarke (“The Scorpion’s Gate”), and Philly R&B singer John Legend. Maher played this parody phone commercial that must have aired on the show with Jason Alexander because I didn’t remember it – that was the show I sat out as a protest to some stuff with Maher and Ileana Ros-Lehtinen way back…the point of the parody is that the major telecoms had worked with the NSA to “upgrade service,” which was definitely prescient. Maher said, “The Republicans say that if you’re against wiretapping, then you’re for terrorism. Do the wiretaps make a difference?” and Clarke said “There’s no way to know…there’s not a hundred million terrorists” and said that you obtain information by taking a “six degrees of Kevin Bacon” approach. Legend asked if the computers can decipher what’s going on, and Maher said that “not everyone needs the same type of surveillance…look at airports for example.” West said flat out that “this is a crime” (as I watched the show, I could see why West is so popular, especially on college campuses, since his words struck right to the very heart of every single topic and he spoke well with intellect and emotion, seemingly having the audience eating out of his hand) and Clarke added that “it’s against the FCC law and FISA also.” West pointed out that QWEST refused to participate when they were told by the NSA that it wants to keep track of citizens “going against the grain.” Pointing to the issue of how Bushco’s whole security scam has been worked for political reasons, Clarke said, “Have you noticed that the “Orange” and “Yellow” alerts went away after the election?” and Maher, who has been partly defending the whole NSA surveillance thing all along, pointed out that anyone who uses Email, for example, should not expect privacy. West said, “I know they’re checking my phones,” and Maher joked, “Are you worried about the NSA finding out about your ‘booty calls’?” Clarke said, “it’s illegal…where does it stop?” Maher then pulled out a U.S. flag showing the original 13 colonies and said, “I’m going to fly this on Memorial Day…I want to honor the country the way it was founded,” and West quickly chided Maher because the country at the time that flag was flown recognized slavery. Clarke said, “They asked AG Gonzales why he didn’t try to change the FISA law, and he said that he didn’t think Congress would let him,” so Gonzales and Bush went ahead and authorized the spying anyway.

Turning to the upcoming midterm elections, Maher noted that “they (Repugs) are bringing back their ‘greatest hits’…cloning, gay marriage, the Spanish Pledge of Allegiance, etc,” and Clarke pointed out that, in a recently taken poll, 68 percent of the voters in this country said they would choose Clinton over Bush if the election were held tomorrow. Maher pointed out that “Rove said ‘We’ll protect you’,” but that was another lie. Clarke also said (incorrectly, as it turned out) that “they can’t put up General Michael Hayden as a nominee to head the CIA because of the spying, but the point is that Rove wants a fight on this.” Maher also mentioned the Dusty Foggo raid and asked Clarke if he knew him, and Clarke said no but pointed out that “this is a quintessential Washington story…hookers, FBI, CIA, Watergate, congressmen on the take, and it’s all true.” Maher also mentioned the sudden resignation of Porter Goss as head of the CIA, and Clarke said “this isn’t over…they’re still investigating,” with Maher asking incredulously, “He’s the head of the CIA and he can’t keep hookers a secret?” Cornel West said that, “Democracy is about ordinary people controlling the arbitrary power of the elites because of a thin mechanism of accountability,” a wonderfully worded statement that I don’t think was particularly relevant at that moment. Maher also said, “People say to me ‘why don’t you talk about what really happened on 9/11’?” and West said he was open to a theory about coordinated activity in secret places, but not a conspiracy. Maher said, “If they couldn’t get a helicopter into the Superdome…” and Clarke added, “There are two problems with this theory: 1) the people involved are not competent, and 2) they can’t keep a secret,” and West added, “it’s not just moral inconsistency, but moral hypocrisy.” Clarke pointed out that, “on WMD, the Bush Administration said the CIA gave them bad information,” and that wasn’t true.

Maher mentioned the letter from Ahmadinejad to Bush (actually, Maher just referred to him as “Frank”…and by the way, I have no idea whether or not I’ll try to respond myself at this point – events on this story seem to be overtaking my ability to do that), with Maher pointing out that “this was the first letter from a leader of that country to us in 27 years, and it was sent to a president who can’t read…it was 18 pages, and Condoleezza Rice basically said ‘talk to the hand’.” West said, “If you say you love Jesus, why don’t your policies reflect that?,” and Maher quite correctly said “we should be trying to find common ground.” In response to this, Clarke told this story; “During the height of the Cuban Missile Crisis, Kennedy got a letter from Khrushchev, and it wasn’t good, and instead decided to respond through back channels…as far as this quote (from Bushco) about ‘rewarding bad behavior’ goes, what we have is an opening here. We’re not running a third-grade class.” Maher said, “Is the failure of our foreign policy somehow a self-fulfilling prophecy to the PNAC (People for a New American Century) types…the neo-cons? Do they actually want to solve problems?” Clarke said that conflict “suits both sides – Bush thinks turning up the heat helps him, and Ahmadinejad thinks it helps him with his hard-liners also. The problem for Bush is that he typed the wrong fourth key on the typewriter three years ago. He should have hit the ‘N’ (for Iran) instead of the ‘Q’.” John Legend pointed out that an increase in oil prices helps both sides, but Cornel West quickly pointed out that lives are being lost on both sides also.

The next topic was the new Neil Young album with “Impeach The President,” and Maher listed groups that have come out with anti-Bush songs, adding that “even country artists have turned on him with songs like “Q.U.A.G.M.I.R.E.” and “Don’t Come ‘Round Drinkin’ With Social Security On Your Mind,” and Toby Keith’s new hit, “I’m Not Even Sure I Support The Troops Any More.”

Maher said, “All of this is probably making my next guest’s head explode, so I’d better bring him in here,” and John Gibson from Faux News appeared via satellite (he may have been plugging a book too, but if you think I’m going to do anything to promote those cretins, then I’ve got some autographed pictures of Joe Lieberman in a passionate embrace with Dubya to sell to you). The first topic Maher brought up was, of course, the NSA spying, with Maher immediately equivocating and saying, “My liberal friends are mad at me (because I go along with it)…Bush may be fighting the war the wrong way, but I live near the Port of Long Beach, so…,” and Gibson, typically dripping smugness and sanctimony, started by saying, ”Well, I’m a registered independent,” which is the first clue that something’s up because everyone who ever says that ends up parroting the Repug party line verse for verse as if by magic, and continued with, “I’ve overheard people talking on their cell phones when they get off planes, so I don’t mind if they’re listening in on al Qaeda” (what else can you expect, I thought to myself). Maher continued with, “Our government is saying, ‘We’re good people – trust us’…I’m worried that people on the right would lump in anyone who disagrees with them as ‘the enemy’” (and presumably listen in anyway…I was wondering, why is Maher using “would” here, by the way? As far as I’m concerned, there’s no question as to whether or not Bush is doing that), and Gibson said, “Newspapers reveal national security secrets and get Pulitzer Prizes…nobody’s criticizing reporters – the people may have a right to know, but does al Qaeda?” and I’m thinking that it’s actually funny in a way that Gibson is totally abandoning the notion at this point that he represents any kind of media that serves the vast majority of the people of this country; I’m not even sure he was aware of that, and I’m quite sure he didn’t care. Maher followed up with, “You wrote that if Karl Rove outed Valerie Plame, then he deserves a medal,” (really?) and Gibson said, “Some NSA leaks were from the intelligence community against the president,” and at this point, I could detect some groans from the audience and some animated activity that I couldn’t see from the panel (probably Clarke). “If the administration does something wrong and you go to Congress, you’re a whistleblower, and if you go to the press, you’re a leaker,” and I have NO IDEA what Gibson’s point was in mentioning that, but he went out of his way to point out that “Joe Wilson opposed regime change in Iraq in 1991 and 2003.” Maher said, “it’s not a fact that his wife sent him to Niger; she didn’t have the authority. Besides, if you want to respond to her, don’t you fire her behind closed doors instead of firing her in public? Why compromise other investigations?,” and Gibson decided not to respond and instead said, “I heard from (reporter and conservative waterboy Robert) Novak that Plame was contacted by Aldrich Ames,” which to me is the wildest speculation I’ve heard on this whole story yet (probably totally unfounded) “while Wilson said Cheney told him to go,” and I’m thinking to myself that this whole supposed question of who sent Wilson to Niger is one of the STOOPIDEST red herrings I’ve encountered in a long time! The fact of the matter is that the yellowcake story was false – given that, it doesn’t matter WHO sent Wilson. The fact of the matter is that WILSON WAS RIGHT!

I’m enduring this and thinking that MY head is going to explode, but then Maher said, “I have one more question,” and I thought, “Thank God this is it.” Maher asked, “On Fox News, we always hear about ‘the elites’ on the coasts who don’t get what’s going on in the middle of the country. Now that Bush’s approval rating is at 29 percent, do they ‘get it’ now?” and Gibson said, “They dislike Bush for different reasons. The red states are angry about the open borders, and the panel has already pointed out why he isn’t liked on the coasts,” and I thought, good for you, you shill. You go pick up your remuneration from Karl Rove, Ken Mehlman or whoever else is watching the kitty at this moment, seeing as how you’ve just spread this manure around nice and thick.

Maher returned to the panel, and a clearly-agitated Richard Clarke spoke up. “Two things,” Clarke said: “First, we’re not opposed to listening to al Qaeda; we’re opposed to doing it in violation of the law.” John Legend pointed out that, “they were spying on Martin Luther King without oversight.” Clarke continued: “Second, this notion that ‘ooh – the terrorists know we’re listening now’ is stupid. They’ve known for years.” West added, “if it weren’t for the press, the government could feel that they could get away with it,” which I thought was a bit naïve considering the sad state of what basically passes for national reporting these days.

The next topic was the recently-passed tax cuts, with Maher saying “If you make $20 grand a year, you get $3 in tax cuts…it’s all stacked to the rich,” and Clarke said, “this is the same Congress that passed the secret energy policy.” Maher said, “But isn’t the economy doing better?” and Clarke said, “The ‘cause and effect’ isn’t clear there.” John Legend said, “the people who are getting $3 in tax cuts are paying $3 for gas with no health insurance.” West said, “we’re hemorrhaging wealth at the top, but 21 percent of the children in this country live in poverty…it’s a moral disgrace” (absolutely). Maher added that, “about the real estate market, which is supposedly keeping this economy doing well, four out of ten home sales are for existing homes…it’s rich people selling homes” (I understood Maher’s point, though I think he was partly wrong).

Turning to Mary Cheney’s book (so many plugs this week, so little time), Maher thought the dustup over what John Kerry said in the presidential debate in ’04 was a big brouhaha over not much; Kerry was asked if he thought homosexuality was a choice and Kerry, in essence, said “ask Mary Cheney,” and “since Bush was pushing gay marriage, that doesn’t seem like an outrageous proposition” (on Kerry’s part). Legend said, “I think he said it to get back at Cheney a bit,” and Clarke said “Rove put the gay marriage issue on 16 ballots for one reason that year, and it was to get the religious right to vote, and twice the number of African Americans in Ohio voted for Bush for that reason,” with West saying, “it was a small enough slice to tip that issue, but blacks aren’t more homophobic than whites.” Clarke said, “You take that question off the ballot in Ohio, and John Kerry is president,” and the panel generally acknowledged that, though they despised Rove, they realized that he was the only one who could have come up with that strategy. Legend point out that “they also worked to suppress the black vote in Ohio” (in the person of Kenneth Blackwell). Clarke said, “the issue this year is gay adoption,” with Legend saying, “you’d think they’d feel like they might get betrayed again” (excellent point). West said, “it’s symbolic satisfaction for them – we need more Americans to stand up against homophobia now like Martin Luther King did against racism in 1955” (absolutely). Maher then mentioned the speech John McCain would give at Liberty University soon, and the group acknowledged that he’s definitely drifting to the right. Legend said, “He just seems calculating now,” and Clarke said, “McCain can tell Falwell this country still believes in separation of church and state” (though, as we now know, McCain did nothing of the kind – the Jean Rohe story hadn’t broken yet).

The discussion wrapped up on the topic of Barry Bonds, with Maher asking if the controversy over his steroids use is racist. Legend said it was “overblown” (I couldn’t disagree more) and Clarke said, “you can’t compare him to Babe Ruth (amen)…but I go to see home runs; if they want to take stuff that shrinks their balls and makes them lose their hair, that’s fine with me.” West pointed out that “Willie Mays turned 75 (I guess trying to point out Mays’ accomplishments versus Bonds, which I personally think were infinitely greater), and Maher said that “Mays was on the juice…speed,” which West didn’t buy. Legend said, “A lot of people have taken steroids, but no one (of that group) hits like Barry Bonds,” which I have to grudgingly admit is true.

At this point, Maher led into “New Rules,” with this commentary on Impeaching Bush that was pretty funny.

Now that that’s done, I should mention that this is my last Real Time Update. I’ll watch the show when it returns in August in search of posting content, of course, but I won’t be able to do these writeups any more. I’ve done them for two entire cycles of this show, and that’s enough. I hope you’ve enjoyed them.