Don't Have A Cow, Man

(I love to work in a "Simpsons" reference wherever I can.)

I guess this is "makeup week." I mended fences with Nat Hentoff yesterday, and I'll do the same with John Grogan today, since he's back to his old form (re: more PA politics).

Tragically, the space aliens still have not returned our dear State Rep. John Perzel back to Earth.

As I first reported last week, there is an alarming body of evidence that the House speaker was abducted by intergalactic invaders over the summer and is being held against his will in a distant galaxy.

In his place is a wooden, detached figure that looks like John Perzel and walks like John Perzel but clearly is a distant impostor with no grounding in reality.

In his first public appearance after the legislature gave itself a double-digit pay raise at 2 a.m. July 7, the Philadelphia Republican, speaking in an oddly robotic voice, seemed to know nothing at all about the raise that he helped engineer behind closed doors. "There is nothing to talk about," he chirped. How strange is that?

Now, it has gotten more bizarre.

Appearing before Republican loyalists last weekend, the Alien Perzel suddenly regained his lost memory and mounted a passionate defense of the pay raises, which ranged from 16 to 54 percent and came atop cost-of-living increases each of the last 10 years. Yet still, the invader inside Perzel's suit emitted only strange and incomprehensible gurglings.

I quote: "The people who are milking the cows in Lancaster County are making between $50,000 to $55,000 a year. They are immigrant workers... . I am trying to point out, you are paying someone to milk the cows $55,000, and you are saying it is excessive that members of the General Assembly make one-half of what a congressman makes."

And on that farm...

The aliens stole our speaker and gave us Old Farmer McPerzel in his place. Ee-i-ee-i-o!

Only a distant alien unfamiliar with Planet Earth, and the difficult row immigrant workers are assigned to hoe, would attempt such a cosmic leap.

Our politically savvy Republican leader wouldn't possibly attempt to justify his own considerable pay by trotting out migrant workers as examples of excess, would he?

Let's see, on Old McPerzel's imaginary farm, migrant dairy workers rake in $50,000 or more a year, not so terribly far behind his own $145,553.

And for what? Tugging on teats all the day long. Why, of course, lawmakers deserve their raise!

With an oink-oink here...

Just like Farmer McPerzel, those cushy migrant workers no doubt drive taxpayer-provided sedans with comprehensive insurance and free gas.

And an oink-oink there...

They receive top-of-the-line health benefits, full dental and eye-care plans, and a generous pension. Just like Old McPerzel.

Here an oink, there an oink...

Every day that they show up to the big milking shed (and I mean BIG) in Harrisburg, they receive an automatic $128 allowance to cover meals and lodging. Just like Old McPerzel gets.

Everywhere an oink-oink.

They get free stamps and a staff to lick them.

Earth to Mr. Speaker

When the migrant workers have it this good, well, heck yes, it's time for lawmakers to boost their pay. On Planet Perzel, this all makes perfect sense.

Reality check: Real immigrant dairy workers in the real world don't make anywhere near that kind of money. They receive none of those perks and benefits. Scant few of them get any health coverage at all.

Many are lucky to make $20,000 a year. The Inquirer interviewed one Lancaster County dairy worker who puts in 60 hours a week at $8 an hour. Even if he worked every week of the year, he'd earn less than $25,000.

Yet Beam-Me-Up Perzel holds these lowly workers up as his prime defense for justifying lawmakers getting richer at taxpayer expense.

Forgive him, citizens. He knows not what he says. It's the alien talking.

In Pennsylvania, dairy farmers work long, hard hours, and we the people get something in return: fresh milk by the gallon.

The state legislature sometimes works long hours, too, even on occasion holding no-discussion votes in the wee hours of the morning when few are watching. And what do the people get in return?

Just plain milked. Ee-i-ee-i-o.

For more John Perzel highlights (lowlights?), click here.