Take The "Senator Hothead" Quiz

The following appeared in the most recent issue of The New Yorker (so don't blame me for the bad words, OK?)...

Senator Hothead: The McCain Quiz by Paul Slansky

1. What did Richard Kimball, John McCain’s opponent in his 1986 Senate race, do during a debate that got McCain so upset that, according to his aide Jay Smith, he “wanted to kill” Kimball?

(a) He pointed out that McCain had referred to the retirement community Leisure World as “Seizure World.”

(b) He revealed that McCain was standing on a riser behind his podium.

(c) He said, “I’m not the one who left his disabled first wife so he could marry a rich young beer heiress.”

2. Who is Harry Jaffe?

(a) The writer who first called McCain “Senator Hothead.”

(b) The journalist who helped break the 1994 story of Cindy McCain’s addiction to Percocet and Vicodin, which led her to steal pills from a relief organization she’d founded.

(c) The reporter whose question prompted McCain to respond that he was “fine” with a hundred-year U.S. military presence in Iraq.

(d) The politician who said of McCain, “His volatility borders in the area of being unstable. Before I let this guy put his finger on the button, I would have to give considerable pause.”

3. What prompted Jon Stewart, on “The Daily Show,” to ask, “Has John McCain’s Straight Talk Express been rerouted through Bullshit Town?”?

(a) McCain decided to speak at Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University six years after calling Falwell and Pat Robertson “agents of intolerance.”

(b) McCain claimed that the Confederate flag flying over the South Carolina capitol symbolized “heritage,” although he was on record as having called it “a symbol of racism and slavery.”

(c) McCain said of George W. Bush, “I support him. I am grateful to him. And I am proud of him.”

4. Which of these statements about McCain is true?

(a) He used to be against Bush’s tax cuts and for overturning Roe v. Wade, but now he’s for extending the tax cuts and against overturning Roe v. Wade.

(b) He used to be against allowing illegal immigrants to earn citizenship, but now he’s for it.

(c) He used to be against Bush’s tax cuts and overturning Roe v. Wade and for allowing illegal immigrants to earn citizenship, but now he’s for extending the tax cuts and overturning Roe v. Wade and avoids talking about illegal immigrants earning citizenship.

5. McCain told workers at a gun factory, “I will follow Osama bin Laden to the gates of Hell and I will shoot him with one of your products.” How did he later clarify this declaration?

(a) “Of course, I didn’t mean the literal gates of Hell. I don’t even know where they are.”

(b) “I shouldn’t limit myself to your products, because, when I find him, I may not be carrying a gun made by you.”

(c) “I certainly didn’t mean I would actually shoot him. I am certainly angry at him, but...I would not shoot him myself.”

6. Two of these statements refer to Bush. Which refers to McCain?

(a) At thirteen, he yelled “Fuck this” when he played golf poorly, prompting his mother to make him go sit in the car.

(b) As a toddler, if he didn’t get his way he’d hold his breath until he fainted.

(c) When he was a boy, he liked to blow up frogs with firecrackers.

(Note: One of the selections in the print version was removed.)

7. True or false: When Chelsea Clinton was eighteen, McCain told this joke: “Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because Janet Reno is her father.”

8. What did McCain say to Edward Kennedy?

(a) “Shut up.”

(b) “Fucking jerk.”

(c) “Fuck you.”

9. What did McCain say to John Cornyn?

(a) “Shut up.”

(b) “Fucking jerk.”

(c) “Fuck you.”

10. What did McCain say to Charles Grassley?

(a) “Shut up.”

(b) “Fucking jerk.”

(c) “Fuck you.”

11. What was McCain referring to when he told reporters, “It’s up to you to find that out, kids”?

(a) The extent of the Bush campaign’s involvement in rumors that McCain had fathered a half-black child.

(b) The financial connections between Cindy McCain and Charles Keating, the man behind the nation’s biggest savings-and-loan collapse.

(c) Why he condemned the 2004 Swift Boat Veterans ads smearing John Kerry, then hired the agency behind them.

12. Who said, “I like McCain a lot...There’s something about matching the character with the script”?

(a) Pat Buchanan.

(b) Sylvester Stallone.

(c) Senator Thad Cochran.

13. Who said that McCain “will make Cheney look like Gandhi”?

(a) Pat Buchanan.

(b) Sylvester Stallone.

(c) Senator Thad Cochran.

14. Who said of McCain, “The thought of his being President sends a cold chill down my spine”?

(a) Pat Buchanan.

(b) Sylvester Stallone.

(c) Senator Thad Cochran.

15. Last year, McCain said, “When I voted to support this war, I knew it was probably going to be long and hard and tough, and those that voted for it and thought that somehow it was going to be some kind of an easy task, then I’m sorry they were mistaken.” What did McCain say before the war started?

(a) He told Larry King that “success will be fairly easy.”

(b) He told Wolf Blitzer, “I believe that we can win an overwhelming victory in a very short period of time.”

(c) “It’s a safe assumption that Iraqis will be grateful to whoever is responsible for securing their freedom.”

(d) All of the above.

Answers...(1)b, (2)a, (3)a, (4)c, (5)c, (6)b and c, (7)True, (8)a, (9)c, (10)b, (11)b, (12)b, (13)a, (14)c, (15)d.