For The Love Of America

As we prepare for the holidays, I think it’s time for all of us to reflect on our country in general and our government in particular. Yes, I know I do that regularly here, as do any of you who choose to read this content.

In the spirit of the season, I would ask that we temporarily suspend any rancor and ill will towards people we view as adversaries (well, not for too long I guess, especially since Atrios found a quote from Dubya dated April of last year stating categorically that he would not conduct wiretaps on American citizens without court approval, and also because other sites (most notably the L.A. Times) have reported that the New York Times knew about the wiretaps by Bush before last year’s presidential election, but chose not to report it at the time.

OK, that’s it; sorry I got off track. Now, it’s back to “playing nice, goodwill towards men,” etc.

I think we should all be looking for ways to improve our government, and this presidential administration in particular. That is necessary because, based on the most recent information I can find, President Bush (trying to afford a measure of respect here…I may need to slap myself to stay focused) received no “bounce” whatsoever from his most recent speeches on Iraq.

So here is what I have in mind – I’m just going to “throw it out there” and see if it flourishes, moults, or gets run over by a panic stampede.

MR. PRESIDENT, YOU’VE GOT TO GET US SOME BABES!

Short of your resignation or impeachment, that is the BEST POSSIBLE solution to the problems facing you at this moment (and how pathetic is THAT?). You and your handlers fancy yourselves as masters of spin, dictating the language and controlling the pictures to create an impression that puts you in the best possible light (generally anyway, with some glaring exceptions, especially recently).

Oh, and by the way, please have Karl Rove leave the room immediately. What I will ask in this post is something that requires independent action on your part, which I realize is something he will never allow.

I know the immediate ramifications of any action taken on your part based on my suggestion. Basically, James Dobson, Gary Bauer, Ralph Reed, Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell and the other Pharisees who support you would immediately call for an intervention followed by a burning of you in effigy in anticipation of actual physical violence against your person. That is why it is critical that you make any announcements related to this idea outside of the continental United States.

I also know that the individuals I just mentioned have an awful lot to do with your installation as President and persuading their like-minded, blinkered, intellectually emasculated flock of red state sheep to vote for you again in 2004. Basically, without them, you’d be driving your “RV” into a ditch in Crawford somewhere after too much “Dickel Brothers Sour Mash” (oops…sorry; stop it! Bad doomsy, bad doomsy – pardon me while I chastise myself). With this in mind, I ask that you recall the potential for greatness that somewhere could possibly exist in your administration and what it could take to achieve it (more than anything that could be summoned in the entire cosmos, I’m sure, but I’m trying anyway). I’m only asking that you somehow make an attempt to follow in the path of your predecessors for the sake of posterity.

President Eisenhower worked with the Democratic senate (led by Lyndon Johnson) in the 1950s to create civil rights legislation. Bill Clinton gave the Republican congress virtually everything they wanted in supporting NAFTA. Hell, even Nixon (one of the all-time-leading anti Communists) went to China (and, as far as we know, he didn’t even call in anywhere for “take out”).

What I’m saying to you, Mr. President, is that you have to show some “leadership” (a frightening concept, I know). To do that, you must bridge divides and make peace of a sort with those who hate you (well, only a few at a time anyway, since we’re talking about half the country at this point).

Your followers will accuse you of some kind of Clintonian sellout if you start populating your government with supermodels and uber-gorgeous female personalities. But doing something like this will show that you know how to learn from your “betters.” It will mark your transformation into a leader who many more people will take seriously from now on. I know you've taken a step in that direction already with Condi Rice and her "angry, black dominatrix" thing, but you need to do more, sir. You need to do so much more.

Some will be shocked. Some will be mortified. Some will ask, “What took so long?” Still others will no doubt climb to the top of Robert Schuller’s Crystal Cathedral and take a swan dive into the next world (probably not one where they want to go, knowing them vaguely as I do).

I mean, let’s look at some of your current cabinet members. Your Commerce Secretary is a man named Carlos Gutierrez, about whom I know virtually nothing. I have a feeling that he’s skilled and eminently qualified. Get rid of him and bring on Paris Hilton instead.

Hey, she started a little internet cottage industry by making that porn video of hers. I’d say she knows more about commerce than some government lifer or “K” street lobbyist.


You labor secretary is Elaine Chao, who typically dresses and looks like a person selling insurance. Give her the boot and tab Britney Spears for the job. Actually, I’d let Spears have her child first before you do anything (yeah, I know…what a cheap joke about labor). The only person whom Chao could appeal to in a similar fashion would be a middle aged Asian man who longs to feel stirrings in his nether regions once more as he purchases a term life policy.


I can think of at least two other reasons why Spears would be a good fit. One is that she’s going to need some kind of a steady job after she has to play sugar momma to her man whore husband in the divorce settlement (I sometimes wonder how Kevin Federline could have pulled this off, but the only reason I can think of is scatological in nature and not appropriate for this site). Another is that she deserves a payoff from your administration for her totally vacuous show of gum-chewing support to Michael Moore in “Fahrenheit 9/11.”


Another way to improve the scenery is to appoint Jessica Simpson as the new head of the FCC as opposed to the Dobsonite zombie currently taking up space in that position. She knows just how much to show her rack and shake her cans within the limits of decency in that video for “These Boots Are Made For Walkin’,” the lame cover of the 60s hit by Nancy Sinatra, and as far as I’m concerned, that’s the only qualification that she needs.

So there you have it, Mr. President. Ensure your place in history for what thus far has been a mistake of a presidency by making some “eye candy” part of the equation. Besides, I’ve inadvertently received all kinds of Email generated by Repug sympathizers pointing out how conservative women are hotter than liberal women. Well, try “walking the walk” as long as you guys can “talk the talk,” OK?

Thank you, sir, and Seasons Greetings you, the missus, and your non-serving-in-Iraq daughters.

P.S. – If this post doesn’t give my “hit count” a spike, then I might as well give up.