A Christmas Nightmare

Before I say another word, kudos to Sam Seder of “The Majority Report” for taking on Bob Knight of the Christian Family Focus Values Fascist Coalition during a recent fracas on CNN moderated by scary right-wing uber-babe Kyra Phillips last week – transcript here.

(Yes, I know that really isn't the name of Knight's organization, but as far as I'm concerned, it's just another wingnut bunch trying to ruin the holiday season.)

(Another note: I rewrote the lead to this post because, despite my temporary incapacity, that does not absolve me of the duty to communicate correctly using the English language.)

OK, without any futher ado...

My wife in her kerchief and I in my cap had just settled down for a long winter’s nap (aided by a few vodka shots and frosty “Stein” full of Dinkelacker Dark on my part), when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but stuporous images about the following:

- The Easter Bunny lobbies Dubya with supposedly top secret intel that Santa Claus has weapons of mass destruction (it would come out later that EB did this out of jealousy because he thought Kringle was getting way too much attention from the kids instead of him; EB also did this to hide the fact that he had been convicted of embezzlement by a Jordanian court).

- Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice appears at the U.N., holding up a sprig of mistletoe, stating that she has proof that Santa has found a way to use it to spray mushroom gas or other invisible, deadly toxins with it. She ends her statement with this quote: “with a bunch of these, he could take out the entire New York City subway system.” It will be discovered later that this information was obtained by “water boarding” St. Patrick.

- Health and lifestyle gurus across the country decry Santa Claus for contributing to the obesity epidemic facing our country by virtue of his appearance.

- Bill O’Reilly launches a boycott of any retail store, newspaper, TV or radio station that refers to Santa Claus as part of Christmas because “he’s contributing to crass commercialization in opposition to strict adherence to Christianity, the one true faith.” O’Reilly then goes into a hysterical, obscenity-filled rant against Jews, Muslims, cat torturers, the U.N., liberals, and Andrea Mackris.

- Dick Cheney appears on Rush Limbaugh and states that he has “incontrovertible evidence” that Santa Claus is working on a “dirty bomb,” when in reality what was presented to Cheney by Karl Rove was some reindeer poop scraped off the roof shingle of the home of a member of Dubya’s “Pioneer Club” of campaign donors. The New York Times breaks this revelation in an Op-Ed page column by former senator Tom Daschle, which spurs Judith Miller out of retirement to write that Santa stuffs his sleigh with toys made through slave labor in third world countries, with Santa knowing full well that half the toys are defective. Miller also writes a “tell all” book about the escapades of Mrs. Claus, who supposedly participated in multiple orgies while Santa made his deliveries, engorging herself at the expense of some renegade elves and some heretofore unknown sugar plumb fairies.

- Fox News organizes and sponsors massive book burnings of “Twas The Night Before Christmas” by Clement Moore.

- James Dobson encourages the head of the FCC to ban all Christmas music from the radio airwaves until from December 24th to 12:01 AM EST on December 26th (probably not a bad idea, when I come to think about it).

- School boards throughout the state of Kansas incur millions of dollars of litigation expenses because of lawsuits and counter-lawsuits filed over whether or not Santa Claus evolved or suddenly appeared through the benevolent wish of a cosmic life force.

After all of this, I awoke in a panic and checked to see if everything was safe and secure in the house, knowing that we could still take solace from this holiday season (take that, O’Reilly!) of peace and joy, awaiting the potential of gifts from “the big man” and, more importantly, joyous expectation of the arrival of The Little Child from Bethlehem. Fortunately, all was well.

And then I made sure the cat was OK.