"Real Time" Update

The show began with a commercial parody of Bush-Cheney as if they were an insurance company of sorts (in a way, that’s what they’re supposed to be, I guess, but we know how poor a job they’ve done) with the soft-focus, warm-sounding and comforting voice stating, “We make a lot of the problems you have...bigger.” It was hard for me to laugh because I was going “uh huh, uh huh,” over and over.

After the introductory applause for Bill Maher died down, he asked if that was a pity ovation because he missed out as the new James Bond. Commenting on the “Million More” march (which apparently was only a few thousand, actually), Maher said, “Bush noticed what was supposed to be a million black men a block down from the White House. And he thought Cindy Sheehan was scary (ba-dump).” Commenting on Bush’s 2 percent approval rating among African Americans (that number is so embarrassing that they should’ve even bother to report it, and if someone is curious, the answer should be “just don’t ask”), Maher said that number “was an approval rating somewhere between Mark Fuhrman and sickle cell anemia.”

Joking about the recent staged interview Bush had last week with more hand-picked soldiers in Iraq (including this Murphy guy, who seems to show up everywhere), Maher reiterated that all of the soldiers were told to read their lines from the script (amazing how dumb Bushco thinks we are). Maher said, “That’s typical for the Bush military. No gays, but lots of choreography.” Finally, on New Orleans vowing to hold Mardi Gras again next year, Maher said, “They just invented a drink called the FEMA. It hits you about a week later.”

The first guest Maher interviewed via satellite was former South Carolina senator John Edwards (actually, if you’re familiar with this site, then chances are you’re familiar with him also, and I would add that it was good to see him again). Maher asked him if he missed Washington, and Edwards emphatically said no, since he’s so busy working at the Poverty Center at Chapel Hill at the University of North Carolina. Maher asked if it isn’t true that, despite highlighting the poverty in this country as a result of Katrina, if it wasn’t true that people would forget a month later, and Edwards said that we have to keep our focus because this is the first time in forty years that we’re paying attention to the moral issue of poverty. Edwards also said that the Democrats “need to reclaim the moral high ground and be about big issues” (amen, brother). Maher said we should focus on the environment in the next election (a drum he has been beating throughout the new season especially because of Katrina, which I think is commendable), and Edwards agreed, saying that the environment is tied to national security and poverty issues also.

When Maher pointed out that the money in this country “goes to tax cuts for the rich,” he then asked if the Democrats are part of the solution (amazing that that question has to be asked…I hope that’s a message to The Roberts 22, but I’m not holding my breath), and Edwards again emphatically said that the country “needs independent leaders with a big vision,” saying “let’s forget about parties.” I found that to be a bit of a curious answer, because I’ll be honest with you – I want to see Edwards run as a Democrat for the White House in ’08 (yeah, I know…big news flash, huh?). However, if he runs as an independent, I think that is going to REALLY screw things up. I personally think he would be a great candidate. Of course, the punditocracy has anointed Hillary Clinton as the Democratic candidate already, and though I think she could do a great job also, too many people in this country despise her, though that isn’t entirely her fault. We’ll just have to wait and see, of course.

Maher next interviewed Richard Pennington, the former police chief of New Orleans, regarding the beating of Robert Davis in the French Quarter. I admired Chief Pennington for his remarks about not tolerating police corruption and his forthright answers, saying that police should either be fired or charged criminally if they engage in this type of behavior. Pennington also said that he got rid of a third of the New Orleans police force after he became police chief, and he also said that some cops in New Orleans should get psychological tests. Maher said, “I think cops instill more fear at times,” and also they “arrive with the army” and want “super duper ass kissing,” and Pennington reluctantly agreed, though he properly defended the majority of officers who do their jobs.

This led into the panel discussion with former Georgia senator Max Cleland (I absolutely have to comment on that a bit more, and I will), Vanity Fair magazine writer/editor Tina Brown, and comedian Larry Miller. Cleland pointed out that “New Orleans has a real challenge, since half of the police department evaporated while everyone went on a rampage, there were corpses in a warehouse,” and, to further quote him, “a massive cover up requiring an independent investigation from the Louisiana district attorney.” Larry Miller (who was funny throughout the show, even when a couple of his jokes bombed), called New Orleans “the Robert Mitchum of cities” because of its culture of decadence (a bit of an exaggeration, but still a good line), adding that “you don’t go there if you’re looking for an example of good, honest government.” Miller went on to communicate a funny story about how Mike Wallace interviewed former Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards on “60 Minutes,” once, and Wallace was flabbergasted (and how often does THAT happen?) over Edwards’ openness about the corruption in his state.

Concerning Iraq, Maher joked that “the vote on the Constitution just started, and we already have preliminary reports of people being blown up at the polls” (ouch). Miller said that, “maybe Democracy will start in Iraq, and then again, maybe they’ll be serving Pepsi at the next Hell’s Angels convention.” Maher said that he thought, since we’ve lost almost 2,000 lives in Iraq, that maybe we should have more of a say in who runs the country, and Tina Brown, in tongue-in-cheek fashion, said Chalabi should be in charge because “at least he wears a suit and tie and not a black Ninja uniform,” meaning that he has the veneer (and an extremely thin one at that) of respectability that we look for in a head of state. Brown made some timely remarks throughout the show; I didn’t know much about her going in, but she was pretty astute and funny at times also (what a pleasure it was to watch the show without a token Repug partisan baiting the other panelists, though I’ll admit that George Carlin did that also to James Glassman a few weeks ago).

Regarding Iraq, Cleland, picking up on Brown’s remark about Chalabi, said, “Isn’t that the point, that we’re always trying to project what we want in that country? It’s ridiculous. We should have had a strategy to win when we went in, but we took out the Iraqi security forces. Since there was no WMD, no al Qaeda link, and no uranium from Niger, get our troops out now,” and the audience cheered enthusiastically.

As I watched Cleland, I wondered why the hell he wasn’t still in the U.S. Senate and how dumb the people in Georgia were who voted him out in favor of Saxby Chambliss, especially since Chambliss, in the 2002 election, ran that repugnant ad alleging that Cleland, who of course is a disabled and decorated Vietnam veteran, aided al Qaeda. The automatic response should have been to defend Cleland and send Chambliss packing, but the opposite happened (for a somewhat imperfect example of voters rallying to a Democrat, look at what happened during the last mayoral election between John Street and Sam Katz in Philadelphia when the news of the F.B.I. probe was leaked in the final weeks of the election. The voters rallied around Street the way they should have rallied around Cleland…and don’t worry, I’m not trying to ignore the fact that there was a racial element in that outcome.)

Inevitably, the discussion turned to Harriet Miers, and Maher said, “By the way, did I mention that Miers is religious? Somebody saw her face in a grilled cheese sandwich” (Maher obviously did not take to heart the upbraiding he received from Andrew Sullivan and Ben Affleck about people of faith the week before, but that’s OK…it’s his show, after all). Maher also mentioned that, on “The West Wing,” Alan Alda plays a conservative Senator who tells the wingnut “evangelical” right to, in essence, “go to hell,” and Maher wondered rhetorically why nobody does that for real in this country. In response to the news that Miers “went to the second-best law school in Texas,” Larry Miller said “that was like saying you’re the third tallest guy in Japan,” which prompted a bit of a groan from the audience (though Miller would have had to go a long way to match the groans that Ann Coulter received the week before). Tina Brown made an important point, I thought, when she wondered why other women hadn’t rallied to Miers’ cause. Maher commented that Bush said, “I know what she’s thinking,” and he wondered why women wouldn’t find that offensive, and Brown pointed out that they would. Larry Miller pointed out that “in 20 years, Miers has changed her views about 180 degrees,” and Brown thought it was humorous that Miers' “conversion” took place, apparently, in “the office.”

Maher then interviewed Tom Wolfe concerning his new book “Charlotte Simmons,” which apparently is about college life these days, and Maher asked Wolfe what he thought was different, at which point Wolfe proceeded to go into this incredibly laborious account of how the “baseball” dating metaphor has changed since he was in school, saying (and I’ll try to be careful with this) that, in his day, first base was French kissing (now apparently referred to as “tonsil hockey”), second base was groping, third base was oral sex, and home plate was “going all the way.” Now, because of something he referred to as “the seven-minute seduction” (have to re-enroll to check this out:- ), “first base is groping, second base is oral sex, third base is going all the way, and home plate was the introduction.” Maher, in mock indignation, shook his head and said, “These kids don’t know the value of a good blowjob.” When he told Wolfe that Bush was apparently reading the book based on what he heard from some tabloid (yeah, right), Wolfe said that he’d heard that also, and he appreciated it. “It apparently is taking him awhile to read it, and that’s the best thing he can do for the country.”

The next topic was the possible bird flu pandemic and the threat that would be posed if it mutated, and this led into a funny parody of Faux TV News scare headlines. Maher said, “it’s a matter of what they pick for the P.R. machine, either this or Iraq or something else,” and Cleland said that the “die was cast” regarding Iraq after Cheney and Wolfowitz got into the White House (I think he’s right, and I believe Cleland was referring to the “Project For The New American Century” document that Wolfowitz wrote). Tina Brown said, “they’re all waiting for ‘The Rapture’ in the crouched position,” and Maher immediately asked, “Is that second or third base?” Cleland said this about the so-called evangelicals; “My grandfather said, ‘If someone prays extra loud, go home and lock the smoke house door’.” Finally, they discussed the woman who was reported to have given birth to her eighteenth (?) child, and Tina Brown said, “I want to know about the husband. I saw a picture of him, and he looks like he’s on Xanax,” and Miller replied, “Wouldn’t you?” In response, Cleland recalled Groucho Marx interviewing a woman with eight children on “You Bet Your Life,” and when Groucho asked why she had so many children, she said “I like kids.” Groucho replied, “I like my cigar too, but I take it out once in awhile.”

I’m just going to link to New Rules, because it was too funny to transcribe here (especially the joke about Dubya and The Village People).

Next week’s panelists will include Tucker Carlson, so I’m sure my dander will be worked up quite thoroughly. Spike Lee also is supposed to be on the panel, so there should be fireworks.