The Dreaded “Open Mike” Strikes Again!

I dreamt last night that I was a CNN co-anchor...

Lynne Russell (former anchor): “We will be joining the President shortly to hear his remarks upon the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina and its devastating impact on the Gulf Coast region. This is CNN.”

(I get up to leave and go to the men’s room. As I approach the urinal, I am joined by Jack Cafferty.)

Russell (video feed from New Orleans): “Here now is the President.”

Thank you all. Thank you. Good morning. From our beginnings as a nation, the church steeple and the schoolhouse door have been enduring symbols of the American community. And so it is today in New Orleans.

Jack: (unzipping pants) Hey, how’s it going?

Me: (unzipping pants also) Oh, hey Jack. Fine. You?

Jack: What can I say? Another day older and deeper in debt.

Earlier this morning, we gathered at St. Louis Cathedral in the presence of a just God, who asked us to love our neighbors as ourselves. And now we stand inside Warren Easton Senior High School. Warren Easton is the oldest public school in New Orleans.

Jack: (doing his business) Ah, the pause that refreshes…

Me: (likewise) Yeah, I think Lynne and I had too much coffee. She can hold it better than I can, though.

Jack: Man, did you check out that low-cut number she’s got on today? I think they set a flood light aimed right at her carriage. Hot damn…

Me: Are you kidding? Most days, it’s the only reason why I get out of bed and come to work.

In a little more than a week its classrooms will again be filled with young men and women who will write the future of this great American city. And that future draws from a rich past -- the music of Fats Domino, the stories of Tennessee Williams, shotgun houses and iron-lattice balconies, seafood gumbo, red beans and rice on Mondays.

Jack: That tinhorn little pissant! The only thing I care about, Dubya, is if you ever offered a woman any beads on Bourbon Street.

Me: (snickering). Yeah, I’m curious about that myself.

Jack: Hey, as long as we’re on the subject, did you check out that new intern with the nice rack? Little Jack sure stood up for a salute for her, let me tell you.

Over the course of nearly three centuries, a city that once was the center of slave trade has been transformed to a unique and great American city. This city is a story of hope and dignity and perseverance. And it's these qualities that have seen you through trials of war and prejudice and natural disaster.

Me: Aw, shut up Dubya! Just tell ‘em FEMA’s not going to give them any more money and wrap it up, OK?

Jack: But do you know who I’m talking about?

Me: No, I don’t.

Jack: Aw, c’mon – you know, the blonde.

Me: Jack, there are about 150 blondes who work here. You’ll have to give me something more to go on.

One year ago today, your beloved New Orleans and surrounding parishes and counties and the great state of Mississippi were struck by a cruel hurricane. And here in this city, there was flooding on a biblical scale.

Me: How many times has he referred to God already, I wonder.

Jack: Speaking of miracles, I can’t believe how she fits in those black stretch pants. It’s an event just watching her walk to the copy desk.

Me: Earth to Jack, I need more help with this one.

Jack: I can’t believe you (finishing up and zipping). I can’t believe I have to point her out to you. She’s got that little rhinestone earring.

Me: Oh yeah, now I know who you mean (finishing up and zipping). I overheard her whining to her girlfriend about taking a sweater back to Saks. What a bitch!

Less than three weeks later, with many of the homes and churches and schools still under water, I came to Jackson Square. I said, we could not imagine America without the Crescent City, and pledged that our government would do its part. And today, Laura and I have come back to discuss that pledge and your future.

Jack: Yeah, you’ve come back for about the sixtieth time in the last two weeks (washing his hands).

Me: Thank God I’m married (washing my hands also). If I had to listen to something like that, and over a sweater no less, I’d take the gas pipe. My wife is genuinely a loving – you know, no ego – you know what I’m saying…just a really compassionate, great human being.

Jack: No, actually, I don’t know what you’re saying. Try speaking in sentences next time.

I want to thank Don Powell, the Federal Coordinator of the Gulf Coast rebuilding, who is with us today. I appreciate Admiral Thad Allen, who's now the Commandant of the United States Coast Guard, who is with us today. And I want to thank Lieutenant General Russ Honor.

Jack (snickering): Honor or “off her”...make up you’re mind, Dubya.

Me: (laughing) Definitely “on her”...that’s the best offer I’ve had all week.

I appreciate the members of the congressional delegation who have joined us today: Senator Mary Landrieu, as well as Senator David Vitter and his wife Wendy. Thank you both for being here. I want to thank Congressman William Jefferson and Andrea; Congressman Bobby Jindal; and Congressman Charlie Melancon and his wife Peachy. Thank you all for joining us. Proud to be working with you. (Applause.)

Jack: (Drying his hands) Isn’t Jefferson the guy who hid the money in the freezer?

Me: (Drying my hands) Geez, what kind of a name for a wife is Peachy? Sometimes I think this whole administration is just a rejected episode of “Mayberry R.F.D.”

Lynne Russell interrupts the conversation: Doomsy, you idiot, shut off your mike!

Me: Oh, hi Angel Cakes. You want something?

Russell: Don’t call me that, you pig! I was meeting with our producer and I just heard this now. You left your mike on. That whole conversation with Cafferty drowned out the president’s speech!

Me: (Laughing) Really? (As I realize the imminent prospect for unemployment, I suddenly get serious) I mean, really?

Russell: Yes!

Jack: But we could hear Bush fine in here.

Russell: But that’s not what’s going out over the feed. Turn off the mike now!

I immediately turn off my mike and exit the men’s room with Cafferty, feeling dejected but trying not to laugh. Cafferty pats me on the back and tells me not to worry about it. As I return to the anchor desk under the glare of a CNN producer, Cafferty speaks once more.

“So, do you think that intern is a real blonde? All over, I mean.”

I woke up and realized that something like this could never happen in a million years...right?