Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Suck It Up, Dear

I wish I could take credit for that title, but it came from a commenter at the Washington Post.

In honor of David Letterman for telling Bill O'Reilly that "60 percent of what you say is crap," here is my list of the Top 10 Reasons Why Martha Alito Will Cry Again (Update 1/12: If anyone's keeping track, I went back and added 5 more).

10) John Ashcroft returns to Washington to commemorate the anniversary of his U.S. Congressional loss to Mel “Dead Guy” Carnehan by warbling “Let The Eagle Soar” in the manner captured in the film “Fahrenheit 9/11.”

9) Pat Robertson travels to the rebuilt Ninth Quarter of New Orleans, now full of luxury hi-rise hotels, to issue his latest apology, but he is killed when everything collapses on top of him due to shoddy Halliburton construction.

8) Dubya tries to say the word “vicissitudes” and accidentally herniates his tongue.

7) With worries mounting over the upcoming fall 2006 U.S. Congressional elections, the GOP tries to reach out to “Log Cabin” Republicans for help by producing a Repug-friendly sequel to “Brokeback Mountain” called “Reach-Around Valley,” starring Jeff Gannon (thanks to MJS for the idea).

6) As a result, James Dobson commits ritual suicide.

5) Orrin Hatch releases his next CD of "I Love America" hymns, with special encryption to destroy any PC that tries to burn a copy of the disk.

4) Tom Coburn attempts to protect prostitution as "due process" by re-enacting it in front of C-SPAN cameras on the Senate floor.

3) Don Rumsfeld becomes entombed in the excess body armor that our troops should have been wearing all along (akin to Anakin Skywalker getting the Darth Vader shield...yes, I'm a "Star Wars" geek, I know).

2) Karl Rove jumps down a laundry chute into a hamper of dirty linen in an effort to escape the White House as representatives of Patrick Fitzgerald try to serve him a summons after Rove runs out of reporters to blame for outing Joe Wilson's wife (a real Curly Howard move...woob woob woob!).
And the Number One reason why Martha Alito will cry again...

1) Ted Kennedy pins Arlen Specter in the first "WWF Senate Smackdown!"
(Yes...I'm keeping my day job.)

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