Great moments in literary history...The year: 1601I know that was a fanciful account, but apparently, it is as authentic as Domenech’s posts as the Washington Post’s “red state blogger.”
The location: Stratford-Upon-Avon, England
William Shakespeare commiserates with right-wing blogger Ben Domenech, who has just arrived via his time machine from the year 2006. As the person widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language pours out his soul to the “red state” voice of the Washington Post about his new play, Ben says, “Will, I read the draft. You’ve got to lose that line, ‘Don’t give anybody a shilling or two if you hope to see it again, because you’ll regret it’. A couple of problems with that. First, we’re in Denmark, so it’s the wrong unit of currency anyway. Second, Polonius wouldn’t say that to Laertes. It doesn’t fit with the character. Try, ‘Neither a borrower nor a lender be.’ That works. Also, the title, ‘The Wicked Murder By A Corrupt Uncle King,’ is a howler. The main character is the crazy nephew. He’s in just about every scene. Call it ‘Hamlet’ instead.”
As Shakespeare rejoices at Domenech’s fits of literary brilliance, anticipating the smashing success of his new play, the WaPo blogging king realizes he’s suddenly needed elsewhere, so off he goes.
The year: 1744
The place: Philadelphia
A distraught Ben Franklin labors at his publishing house, sitting at his desk analyzing his accounts, worried about the possible failure of his publishing business because he thinks he no longer can conjure any more aphorisms or proverbs for “Poor Richard’s Almanack.” Franklin anticipates ruin if his publication fails, which will surely happen if he can no longer write such witty proverbs.
As Ben Domenech arrives, Franklin tells him, “I’ve stayed up so late working and worrying about losing my money and my business that I can’t think straight. I just feel kind of ‘dopey in the head’ any more.” Domenech immediately analyzes Franklin’s plight and, almost before he has time to think it through, says to one of our greatest Americans, “Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.”
Upon hearing Domenech’s words, Franklin nearly falls out of his chair onto the floor in astonishment. “My God man, that’s brilliant! For you to come up with that is the stuff of genius! You have my eternal thanks. And I suddenly feel rejuvenated also. Why, I believe I can keep publishing this almanack from now until no later than 1757.”
Domenech humbly says, “You’re welcome. It was nothing. All I ask is that you don’t get too cozy with the French in a few years, OK? Now, I must take my leave. Duty calls once more.”
The date: March 4, 1933
The place: Washington, D.C.
Franklin D. Roosevelt is about to give his inaugural address as the 32nd President of the United States, and, feeling temporarily overcome by his enormous new responsibilities, does not believe that he can adequately summon the words to both ease the nation’s fears and rouse it to action as the country suffers through the Great Depression. At that moment, Ben Domenech arrives.
“Ben, thank God,” FDR cries out upon seeing him. “I’m lost, and so are my speechwriters. They gave me some new copy, but it was so bad that Fala piddled all over it. Even Lucy Mercer couldn’t come up with anything while we took a spirited romp in the rumble seat of the Willys-Knight. I fear everything at this moment.”
“Well, FDR, you know I am from a red state, and we consider you a traitor to your class,” Ben replies thoughtfully, “but I consider it my duty as a loyal American to do whatever I can for the commander in chief.”
“Oh, thank you, thank you,” FDR sobs. “My God, you have a gift, young man. I fear you’ll make a name for yourself in this town one day.”
Ben narrows his eyes a bit. “All in good time,” he replies slyly. “Now, to work. This ‘fear’ thing you keep mentioning – I think we can use this.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Let’s see…let me think. Aha, I think I have it!”
“What?,” FDR replies anxiously.
“Try this…’the only thing we have to fear is (pause) fear itself’,” Ben announces.
“What does that mean?”
“Hell if I know,” Ben says. “But that’s the beauty of it. Let people think about it and figure it out for themselves. It all depends on how well you sell it.”
“Sell it?”
“Yeah. Say it with conviction. If you sell it right, people will believe anything.”
“I give the American people more credit than that,” FDR replies firmly.
“You’ve obviously never watched FOX News,” Ben states casually. “Now, Mr. President, I can do no more. I’m afraid my secret it out, and I must depart. Good luck with World War II.”
David Brock is right. Fire. His. Ass. Right. Now.
Update: Never mind (don't let the door hit you)...
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