I Call That A Dead Parrot

My apologies to The Pythons over this:

Proprietor: “‘Morning, sir.”

Customer: “Good morning (carrying a bird cage).”

P: “Can I help you?”

C: “Yes, I wish to return this parrot.”

P: “Anything the matter with it?”

C: (looks in cage, leans over to proprietor) “I’ll tell you what’s the matter with it. It’s dead. That’s what’s the matter with it.”

P: (looks closely at the bird lying at the bottom of the cage with a thoughtful expression). “Oh yeah, I recognize that one now. We sent it to Suriname.”

C: “Yes, I had it shipped from there via secure transport. Wasn’t cheap for that, you know.”

P: “Oh, I’ll bet. Still, it’s a fine bird. Lovely plumage.”

C: “The plumage don’t enter into it. It’s dead. What happened?”

P: (takes another close look, opens the cage, flips it over)…”Oh, I know now, squire. It had the bird flu. Got it from a buddy in Taiwan.”

C: (looking shocked) “God, man, you have to call the authorities immediately. The flu could mutate and spread to humans and people could die.”

P: “Nah, no chance o’that. We shipped out the bird before anybody ever heard there was a crisis. It was only here for a day or two. How many days since you got it? Feeling alright are you?”

C: (looking apprehensive) “Yes…yes, I’m fine. But you should be under quarantine.”

P: “Squire, I told you. None of our other pets are showing signs o’sickness.”

C: (suddenly grimacing a bit, sniffing). “My God, man, what is that smell. I just noticed it a second ago.”

P: (looking surprised) “Why, I don’t know, sir. Let me take a look.”

(proprietor goes to the back of the store, wanders around a bit, opens some cage doors and closes them, then comes back to the counter…)

P: “Oh, yeah, well…now I see what you mean sir. I was just – you know – just checking out our inventory.”

C: “What other animals do you have?”

P: “Well, we’ve got 148 other parrots we just got in, 12 hens from a private dacha in Morshansk, 13 Croatian swans, and the entire poultry population from the city of Hong Kong.”

C: (looking surprised) “I didn’t think this store was that big. Can I walk behind the counter and take a look, since I’d like to replace this parrot after all?”

P: “Ah, no sir. Sorry. I can’t show you any of the inventory.”

C: “Why not?

P: “Everything is dead.”

C: (almost irate at this point) “Well, it’s no bloody wonder the place reeks! Get someone from disease control over here! You could spread a sickness!”

P: “Not if I keep ‘em all here, I won’t.”

C: “This could be a public health catastrophe!”

P: “Nah. It could never happen.”

C: (folding arms across chest, looking angry) “And now tell me, my good man, just how do you figure on that?”

P: “Well, sir, it’s simple. There are no more animals to infect.”

C: (starting to look resigned a bit) “And that’s how you keep your ‘disease free’ status, I guess.”

P: “Exactly!”

Yes, I know it's really sick, but I couldn't resist. And don't bother to tell me to keep my day job, because I know that already.