"Newt-Mania" Beckons!

Can you feel it?

Are you awaiting the bluster and bombast, the overflowing pretense that will soon engulf our discourse in a similar manner as the contents of a ruptured sewer line engulfing your basement?

Are you truly ready for cosmic-scale, accountability-free egomania?

Then I have glorious news for you...

It is only a matter of time until NEWT! declares!

I know this to be true because of the full-page ad that appeared in today’s New York Times (and what a pleasure it is actually to discuss a full-page Times ad besides that one) announcing the formation of “America’s Solutions For Winning The Future,” commencing with “Solutions Day,” which I guess is supposed to be today – conveniently coinciding with the 13th anniversary of the Contract On America; 13 being such a lucky number of course – though the ad notes that it will extend until this Saturday the 29th - ???

Oh, hang that. Never mind! The point is that NEWT! will soon be back, which means that the normal rules of time, space and physics don’t apply – surely, a presence as huge as NEWT! transcends all of these trivialities.

And what catchphrase does NEWT! provide in an effort to motivate us lemming-like into total, immediate compliance? Why, none other than that which has no doubt been focus-group approved particularly for this moment in history…

“Real Change Requires Real Change.”

God, the patriotic heart just stirs (either that’s the sensation I’m experiencing, or a coming bout of indigestion – and yes, I know I said that before, but I think it works, dammit!). And NEWT! places these profound words among quotes by Eisenhower and Einstein. Brilliant!

I will link to this page of the American Solutions site that NEWT! references so we can all partake of this group’s manifesto, which notes the following (and you can also call 1-866-580-NEWT – here endeth all plugs)…

I will serve as Chairman reflecting my strong conviction in this approach to addressing our nation's problems. Let me explain in more depth why we have formed American Solutions.

It is clear America is faced with enormous challenges both at home and abroad. It is equally clear that the current political-governmental system is stuck in pathology of negative ads, short attention spans, gridlocked partisanship and lack of effective solutions that work and can be implemented. This is a big not a small problem. Solving it will require a big not a small solution.

We believe that it is possible to create solutions for America by using the principles that have historically worked in America.

We also believe the great increase in productivity and quality we have seen in the private sector over the last 50 years could be applied to create dramatically more effective services in the public sector.

Finally, we believe that the coming explosion in scientific knowledge (four to seven times as much new knowledge in the next 25 years as in the last) will make possible many solutions for learning, for economic productivity, for a better environment, and for a more effective homeland and national security.

As I noted above, accountability-free egomania (and NEWT! refers constantly to “we,” at this site, but as I slog through all of this tripe, I only see “him”). And what effective punctuation also!

Well, in anticipation of a development that surely will alter the 2008 political landscape in the presidential race, I’d like to present this prior post on NEWT! that shows his appreciation for scientific research and development, “appreciating” said funding so much that he slashed it every way possible. Also, this shows that the phrase “politics of personal destruction” perfectly describes what he practiced throughout his public life. And finally, this tells us how he discussed poetry, history and ancient Greece over dinner at Les Halles, a posh D.C. eatery one evening with Paul Wolfowitz and one-time Rummy aide Steve Herbits on the issue of what the #@!! we were supposed to be doing in Iraq instead of getting our troops killed.

But despite that, I think an occasion as momentous at this should be commemorated somehow. How about it, Newt, if you manufacture special ceremonial gavels to recall the fact that you were once House speaker? To personalize them, you could inscribe the number 28; that represents the job approval rating you held when you resigned in 1998, which was the lowest ever recorded for a House speaker.

All of that is in the past, however. With the coming of a NEWT! presidential campaign, filthy, unkempt liberal bloggers such as yours truly will receive posting material far into the future.

And given the intellectual pygmies currently comprising the Republican field, he would be the leader by default (and I’m not sure that that’s a joke).

Update 9/29: Damn Newt, you're such a tease...