(I just barely finished this in time this week, but I may not make it next week.)
(Warning: the “F” word appears at the end as part of a direct quote.)
The show began with Bill Maher making a mock public service announcement: “Latinos are marching with a message…they want justice, they want respect, they want those long crunchy Cinnamon stick things. (In that spirit), please join us for A Day Without Jews on May 15th, when we take to the streets. There’ll be no psychological counseling, no accounting services, no dental work. We just want a place at the table…separate checks if that’s not too much trouble.”
In the monologue, Maher noted that the live broadcast was taking place on Cinco De Mayo, “or as Lou Dobbs refers to it, May 5th.” Speaking of partying too much, Maher noted that Patrick Kennedy said after his recent auto accident that he doesn’t remember anything, “but he felt a huge sense of relief that he wasn’t soaking wet.” The police who arrived at the scene, “said they smelled alcohol, but he said he’d just been at a party where he bummed a cigarette from the Bush twins.” Maher noted that “there was no sobriety test, and the police gave him a ride home…I’m not going to say Kennedy got preferential treatment, but they put a trash can next to his bed in case he threw up.” Maher added, though, that it was “nice to see a lawmaker under the influence of something besides a lobbyist.” Regarding the resignation of Porter Goss as head of the CIA, Maher said that it “may have had something to do with that wild floating party at the Watergate Hotel…you don’t want your daughter to be a hooker, because she might fall in with a bad crowd; you especially don’t want her to be a hooker for the CIA, because she’ll take you around the world and leave you in a secret prison.”
Maher then interviewed Gen. Wesley Clark in the studio and said, “This was a shock about Porter Goss. They usually don’t leave too easy…9/11 happened under George Tenet’s watch, and they couldn’t get him out.” Clark said, “It’s gotta be something personal…it’s sad because we need a good
legal intelligence agency.” Maher replied, “Yeah, but the bad guys play dirty,” and Clark said, “The agency has to represent who we are. We make more enemies playing the way we do.”
Concerning the heckling of Rumsfeld by Ray McGovern last week (McGovern provided CIA daily briefings for Bush Sr. when he was president), Clark said that McGovern, a 27-year (?) veteran, “did his homework.” Maher asked why the press and the Democrats aren’t asking the questions McGovern asked. Clark said the Democrats have asked the right questions – “we have a lot of messages and messengers”...
maybe too many? – but “we don’t have a pure forum,” and then Clark brought up a story where the Democrats had gathered together for a policy forum, but Dubya heard about it and scheduled a press briefing to take place 10 minutes before the Democrats and got full press coverage while the Dems got virtually none (I’m thinking, yeah, that’s typically lowdown for Dubya, but I know that’s how the game is played unfortunately). Maher said that most voters “don’t know your strategy.” Clark then rattled off three points pretty quickly that I was unable to capture all at once, I believe they were, in essence, troop withdrawal, redeployment, and diplomacy, adding that, “I hear a lot of criticism, but there’s a strong Democratic message out there.” Maher then asked Clark about impeachment, and Clark said that the facts and evidence should be laid out to the American people. Regarding whether or not he’ll run for president in 2008, Clark ducked that and instead talked about the Democrats addressing issues affecting the intelligence community, global warming, and energy policy, among others –“Democrats can ask those questions when we get back one house of Congress” (why not
both, I thought to myself as I watched this).
The panel discussion began with former Virginia governor James Gilmore, former Prime Minister of Canada Kim Campbell, and actor Bradley Whitford of the almost-departed series “The West Wing.”
Maher began the discussion by comparing that legendary quote from Britney Spears in “Fahrenheit 9/11” about trusting our leaders versus something Rummy said recently that echoed practically the same sentiment only with slightly different words, and Whitford pointed out that “the whole point of government is not to trust anyone. That’s why we have our system of checks and balances,” and Whitford then tuned to what Wesley Clark had said and added that, “There is no conventional military solution to terrorism, and this whole bungling approach to terrorism by this administration is like a Polish joke” (something about a missing ring?). Gilmore (who was chairman of something called the Council of Readiness and Preparedness, which Maher said was a bit of a redundant title) said that, “It’s a violent world out there (duuuhh), and this administration responded right after 9/11 by going into Iraq and Afghanistan.” Whitford asked, “But what did Iraq have to do with 9/11?” and Gilmore kept ducking him. Whitford added that “you can’t bat .500 if you’re the leader of the free world,” adding that Gilmore is the head of this council, “and I’m a schmuck on TV.”
Maher also pointed out this week that Congress (I believe, or some commission) recommended getting rid of FEMA because it’s so screwed up now, just like it was under Bush Sr. even though it worked well under Clinton, and Gilmore said that neither Democrats or Republicans were paying attention to terrorism or homeland security before 9/11 (I would seriously dispute that, especially since Clinton and Al Gore in particular – one of these days, I have to post on the great stuff “Prince Albert” has been doing lately, especially with his movie – created
the Hart-Rudman Commission). Maher then made to me what was a great observation by pointing out that Hurricane Katrina showed what one of our cities would look like after an attack of biological or chemical weapons. Campbell said that, “the government hasn’t delivered after 9/11…people (like Ray McGovern) are taking on public figures because the press and the politicians won’t do it…I have to admit that I wondered if Campbell might pull her punches being a politician in a country that’s our close ally, but she didn’t in any way). Whitford added that it was “personally upsetting to me that we isolated the world the way we did after 9/11,” and Campbell added that, “it’s interesting that people are finally saying that the emperor has no clothes,” pointing out that, as Prime Minister, she had to address the Canadian Parliament four times a month, a la Great Britain and that country’s PM (and by the way, Tony Blair is
fighting for his political life right now), and there’s no equivalent for that in the U.S., and Maher said, “yes there is...it’s the White House Press Club Dinner.” Turning back to Homeland Security, Gilmore said that “our ports and airports are safer now,” a bit of propaganda which was actually met with hoots from the audience as well as a bit of a rebuke from Maher, and Gilmore then shifted a bit and said (in a Homeland Security vein also) “more needs to be done to get states and local areas in this county ready for a flu pandemic” (and I’m thinking, sure…stop talking about it and GO DO IT!). Whitford returned to Rumsfeld and asked “where has the press been? (Bush and his people) are incompetent. It’s their duty to speak up. That’s why our people are fighting and dying in Iraq” (what was interesting to me about that, I should point out, was that Gilmore, as a conservative, didn’t immediately go into a fit of apoplexy when he heard that and jump down Whitford’s throat, which to me points out that these people are doing a bit of a delicate dance to distance themselves from Bushco and save their political hides).
The discussion then turned to the upcoming World Cup Soccer tournament (news to me), and Maher asked Campbell if Canada played, and she said yes, noting that “a billion and a half people watch it.” Maher then said that 31 of the 32 countries playing in it have flags on their team buses, “but guess which country can’t put its flag on the bus because it will incite violence?” (un-freaking-believable!). Maher said the American tourists should wear Canadian flags (I hope she was joking – I think she also meant, in an attempt at humor, that the American team should put the Canadian flag on its bus). Whitford (who was very impassioned throughout the whole show, which was all the better because I happen to agree with him) said, “This was because we decided we were going to kick Arab butt after 9/11. For years, we’ve gone for ‘love’ in foreign policy, but since 9/11 we’ve gone for ‘hate’, and now we’ve lost both.” Campbell then asked, “Is the U.S. safer now?” and Maher said, “We put Moussaoui in jail…nobody believed he was in al Qaeda, but it’s good that he’s in jail of course, and we can’t try Sheik Khalid Mohammed because we tortured him” (??). Maher then asked what I thought was an excellent question: “Have we really made an effort to learn about these people?,” and Gilmore said, “trying him in court set an example to the world,” and I’m thinking, “oh, please…NOBODY ELSE in the ENTIRE WORLD has courts and some kind of criminal justice system EXCEPT US??!!” Maher said, “Moussaoui knew about a pending disaster but didn’t tell us. What about the people who knew global warming was a pending disaster but didn’t tell us?,” with Maher mentioning Lee Raymond of Exxon-Mobil (who Maher affectionately refers to as “Fat Bastard” from the “Austin Powers” movies) who sent out a memo to his executives in 1998 telling them to deny the scientific evidence surrounding global warming in an effort to create confusion (nice guy, and an interesting question). Maher then noted that there’s a movement underway towards corn ethanol as a substitute energy source, but we should be favoring the sugar ethanol used in South America because it supposedly is more energy efficient (all news to me also), but the reason we don’t is because the corn lobby seems to be taking control somewhat from the oil lobby, to which Gilmore said that we should have a comprehensive policy that includes everything (that earned applause from the audience).
Maher then brought up the fact that this was the third anniversary of Dubya’s “Mission Accomplished” moment on the aircraft carrier, and he noted the coincidence that that falls at the same time as the premiere of “Mission: Impossible 3” (which apparently isn’t doing as well as anticipated, and Anthony Lane wrote
a scathing, hilarious review in The New Yorker this week), and that led into a comedy bit that was somewhat amusing.
The next guest to appear was Florida Senator Mel Martinez, and Maher immediately asked him about the immigration rallies that Maher lampooned somewhat in the “Day Without Jews” bit at the beginning, and Martinez said that “he didn’t think it helped any…waving foreign flags may have created bad feeling” (interesting that I detected a bit of an affirmative audience response), and I’m thinking, how typical for a Repug to see the glass as half empty and not to understand that these people are marching so they don’t end up getting deported and losing everything (of course, I haven’t seen eye to eye with Martinez on at least
one other issue also). Maher said that it looks like there may be legislation to determine the status of undocumented workers based on how long they’ve been here (mentioning three “tiers” of eligibility/status), but how can we do that when we don’t have documentation on them? Martinez acknowledged that “verification will be a challenge” (once again…duuuhhh). Maher then asked, “Couldn’t we stop immigration by going after employers?,” and Martinez said, “everyone’s breaking the law, both the employers and the immigrants.” Maher followed up with, “Do politicians really want to solve this? The truth is that none of the bad guys have come in from Mexico, though some have from Canada,” which he said with a “no offense” kind of gesture to Campbell, which she took in stride. Martinez said, “We’d have to build a fence between us and Canada, though we’d need illegal labor,” which got a laugh out of everyone and confirmed my suspicion that Martinez really doesn’t want to try and solve this problem either. Maher then asked this excellent question: “Do Americans make the connection between cheap products and cheap labor?,” and Martinez said, “There’s a lot of abuse, and people need to come out of the shadows,” and to me, that meant that Martinez doesn’t want to see a change in that status quo either. To his credit I thought, Maher finished by pointing out to Martinez that the 40-year embargo on Fidel Castro and Cuba has basically failed, and since anti-Castro sentiment got Martinez elected, you KNEW where he would come down on that one, and he started rattling off all of the boilerplate about what a rotten guy Castro is, and then added that “we’re waiting for a biological solution,” a comment that was truly mysterious to me.
Returning to the panel, Maher then followed up with Kim Campbell about immigration in Canada, saying that former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau referred to it as a “gorgeous mosaic,” with Campbell saying “It kind of words for us in” in an understated way. Maher then mentioned the example of The Netherlands, where, if you enter the country, “you (supposedly) have to watch a movie of women frolicking in the ocean and men kissing each other,” and at that point, Whitford and Gilmore pretended to hold hands like they were a couple or something (for a conservative, Gilmore had a sense of humor to go along with Whitford on that – I hope and pray Gilmore never loses it). Whitford then asked, “By the way, isn’t Maher a Dutch name?,” and as everyone laughed, Maher then said, “No, it’s Irish, and by the way, let’s talk about Patrick Kennedy,” adding that, “Only in America could somebody use the excuse of prescription drugs as sort of a ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ card,” with the drug in this case being Ambien, with Maher adding, “Kennedy got up there and said, ‘I wasn’t drunk, I was high!,’ and that’s supposed to be good enough. If I got it at Joe’s Bar and Grille, it’s a problem, but if I got it at Savon, it’s OK.” Gilmore said that, “he’ll have to face the voters,” which was cutting right to the heart of the matter, with Maher adding in a bit of a tongue-in-cheek fashion that “they’re Kennedys. They don’t care.”
Maher then mentioned some new survey of sex in America, and stated categorically that “this country needs to get laid so bad…they’re considering outlawing sex toys in six states, seven states either have or are considering a ban on gay marriage (have to check), you can’t get the morning-after pill, there’s resistance to a drug against
the papillomavirus infection because it’s thought that it will encourage promiscuity, everything involves abstinence training and all of these chastity pledges fail…what is up?,” and Whitford said, “As an actor, I’ve always been in plays with gay men and showered with them. You just say no,” which brought some sideways kinds of looks from Maher and chuckles from the audience. Campbell said, “It seems like some people approve of sex without accessories…you can have sex, but only if you’re totally irresponsible.” Whitford said, “On TV, you can show a semen-splattered corpse on ’CSI’, but you can’t show a baby nursing. It’s very weird.” Maher said, “I read a survey saying that 36 percent of the people surveyed had never said the “F” word,” to which Campbell immediately said, “they’re fucking high” before she started cracking up (it was a pleasure to watch the whole panel having fun with this stuff).
Maher said, “People who say this is all an abuse of moral values…I don’t think they know what moral values are,” and Whitford said, “Where is the Christian right on poverty? The Bible is a pamphlet on helping the poor. Where are they on uninsured children? It’s a complete inversion of Christian values. Is the death penalty administered fairly?” When asked by Whitford, Gilmore said “I support the death penalty…I’m pro-death and pro-life,” though I honestly don’t think the man realized the implication of what he’d just said. Whitford asked, “How do you reconcile that?,” though Gilmore didn’t answer (I’m not sure he or anyone else could have answered that question). Campbell pointed out that Governor Ryan in Illinois had overturned the death penalty and was reviewing his state’s death penalty cases (for a Canadian, I was impressed by how much she knew about this country). Gilmore, trying to make a bit of a comeback, said that, “the trial system upholds the rule of law,” and Maher recalled a quote from Clarence Darrow: “the failure of justice in a society is worse than crime itself.”
At this point, it was time for
“New Rules” and a moment to give myself a pat on the back for getting all the way through the show after bailing in disgust on the previous two episodes.
As we wish all our moms a Happy Mother’s Day (mentioning this now in case I forget on Sunday), I want to bring back this article from the archives that appeared about a year ago in The Philadelphia Inquirer from a lady named Jennifer Gold.
