The show started with a comedy bit with a man and woman (“Somewhere in South Dakota,” presumably married) and the woman holds up the results of a pregnancy test, and tells her husband that the test is positive. Almost as soon as she tells her husband she’s pregnant, the phone rings, and a lady phone rep from “EPT Services” says, “We’ve picked up a conception. Is everything all right?” and the woman says yes, with both she and her husband looking surprised while the rep says, “I notified the governor, and we’re sending someone right away.” As soon as the woman hangs up, the doorbell rings, and a gruff voice at the door says, “We’re here to protect the fetus.” The voice over for the commercial says, “EPT Security. Protecting South Dakota’s Unborn Since Last Monday,” with two armed guards standing next to the man and woman who are sitting on the sofa.
In the monologue, Bill Maher said to the audience, “I think I know why you’re in such a good mood; the Dubai Ports World deal is dead. Now port security will go back to the same people who handled it before – nobody.” Maher also said that “an unnamed American entity will take over and the rumor is – get this – that it’s Halliburton” (God, I hope that’s a joke, but you never know). About Bush, Maher said, “Talk about arrogant…you know how Bush always stands in front of these backgrounds with writing in front of them? The one he stood in front of today said ‘Eat Me’.” “I’ve said many times,” Maher continued, “that Bush doesn’t know a lot of people. It was either going to be the Arabs handling port security, Halliburton, Harriet Miers, or Sammy Sosa. And he’s
still fighting for the deal! Bush said that canceling the DPW deal sends a bad message to the Arab world. You know, not like invading their countries, putting them on leashes, making them masturbate…but bad.” And speaking of “putting them on leashes,” Maher said “they finally closed Abu ‘Ghraib-ass’ prison. And I don’t know if this is a coincidence or not, but in the same week, they’re closing Neverland. Look, there’s no place now for a young pervert to work out new material. And speaking of perverts, the president of the U.S. Conference of Bishops has been accused by a woman who said she was molested 40 years ago. Now I’m no defender of the Catholic Church, but some of these charges are getting preposterous. I mean…with a woman?” Maher also noted that “they caught those three scamps setting those church fires in Alabama. They said it was just a big joke that got out of hand. I guess when they’re being sodomized in prison, they can think of it as just ‘poking fun’.”
Concerning homeland security, Maher said that we’re being told that the birds carrying the dreaded ‘bird flu’ could reach our shores in three months, though “Bush is fully prepared – he’s going to have Cheney shoot them.” Cheney’s approval rating is at 18 percent, Maher said, “and more people disapprove of Bush’s character now
(my note: he has any?) and they no longer consider him a strong leader on terrorism. I guess, as far as Bush is concerned, there’s a little bit more to this Presidency thing than just not getting blown.” And even the cabinet members are bugging out; “Gail Norton, the secretary of the interior who has been ‘guarding the environment’ (Maher allowed time for the audience to laugh over that one) is stepping down, saying she wants to spend more time strip mining her family.” And for Norton’s going away party, “they gave her a watch made out of redwood bark, some wolf skin, and the balls off a dead owl.” And finally, “What would a monologue be like without a Britney Spears update? She’s pregnant again (
glad she’s not in South Dakota, I think to myself), meaning that Kevin Federline’s sperm works better than he does.”
Maher then interviewed Pete Rose via satellite from “Hall of Famers” in Las Vegas, partly to tie into
the World Baseball Classic. Maher asked Pete Rose about Barry Bonds and the latest revelations about steroid abuse, and Rose said that baseball “dropped the ball” around 1995, when “players grew about 3-4 sizes” and started hitting a lot of home runs with no one asking any questions because it increased fan interest in the game. “Hank Aaron, Roberto Clemente…you didn’t see those guys hitting opposite field home runs, but some skinny shortstop was doing it.” Maher said, “Willie Mays was on juice – he admitted it – and Keith Hernandez was snorting coke. Shouldn’t those guys lose titles?,” and Rose kind of dodged that question a bit out of respect to his peers I thought, and said, “Hey, I was the cleanest of the bunch. If I’d taken steroids, I’d have 6,000 hits.” Maher said, “Yeah, but wasn’t this country founded by cheaters?,” while citing various examples of famous Americans bending the rules (interesting thought). Rose more or less agreed, saying that cheating has been going on forever; “When I used to bat against Gaylord Perry, you had to hit the dry side of the ball.” Maher asked, “What about athletes who ‘do it for the game’?” and Rose said, “They do it for money,” to which Maher replied, “and for pussy.” Rose again mocked baseball’s “blind eye” attitude
further by saying “yeah, these guys have hand-eye coordination, and steroids makes you hit the ball farther, and you expect these guys to lay off this stuff? Hello?” Maher said, “I have your rookie card...we didn’t like you, but we respected you (I think Maher said once that he used to root for the Mets, which would make sense). Why don’t you just say, ‘I have the hits and the records – I don’t need your Hall of Fame’,” and Rose pretty much went along with that, adding that, “"I'm baseball's best ambassador. You know, I'm here in the Forum shops 15 days a month taking pictures with grandmas and shaking hands with little kids, and signing autographs for moms and dads, and spreading the goodwill of baseball. Players make so damn much money today they don't think they need to sell the game." adding that “I played every game like it was my last” (I can personally vouch for that). Regarding the World Baseball Classis, Maher, in an observation which, though correct, was borderline racist to me, said “the Spanish have taken over baseball, blacks have taken over other sports…what about white guys?” Rose responded by saying, “I guess they all went to Enron” (and speaking of
those crooks, I haven’t had much to say about the trial because it looks like Skilling and Fastow are both pointing fingers at each other, and I don’t think Kenny Boy has even testified yet…if and when he does, I think that is when everyone will start paying attention to the trial in earnest – the only reporting I see on this now is in the Inquirer’s Business section.)
I can’t let this go by without adding some personal thoughts on Pete Rose. I have a “blind spot” regarding him since he more than anyone else was responsible for the Phillies’ 1980 World Series win, which, despite the two Stanley Cups won by the Flyers over 30 years ago (God, it’s been that long), was the most joyous sports experience I can ever remember. The Phillies had been SO AWFUL for SO LONG, and when Rose caught Jose Cardenal’s foul popup in Game 6 against Kansas City after it popped out of Bob Boone’s glove, we KNEW they were going to pull it off, and Tug McGraw struck out Willie Wilson one batter later to wrap it up.
However, the bylaws for Baseball’s Hall Of Fame are clear. You can’t bet on the games. Is this hypocritical in a sport where steroids have run rampant and players have used “junk” of one type or another for decades? Yes. Did Rose ever threaten or actually carry out violent acts as Ty Cobb did? No. But as I said, the rules are clear. However, I believe that any Phillies fan (and I’m a “fair weather” one compared to others, including the “leather-lunged” pea-brained Neanderthals who continually harass both home and opposition players at Citizens Bank Park) owes Rose a debt for, more than any other player on the 1980 team, accomplishing a miracle.
The panel discussion began with Ramesh Ponnuru of the National Review (whose work includes some new screed with the charming title of “Party of Death”), activist Gloria Steinem, and actor/comedian Larry Miller. Tying back to the comedy bit in the beginning, Maher said that South Dakota “wanted to take the new Supreme Court ‘out for a spin’,” and Steinem said that the comedy skit “wasn’t wrong, because 75 percent of Republicans are for choice.” Maher asked this decidedly tongue-in-cheek question; “If you define abortion as murder, shouldn’t we kill the woman too?” and Steinem went along with the irony behind Maher’s question reminding that the law says that penalizing the mother is apparently up to the discretion of the prosecutor, “even in the case of rape or incest” (my God). Steinem then took out a pamphlet written by one of the crazies behind this legislation, and one of the jewels from this horror tale said that “97 percent of the time, children of incest are normal,” with Maher’s pithy observation that “that’s good news for Prince Charles.”
(Here's a
link to a site with more information on the South Dakota nonsense - under "Women of South Dakota, Take Notice," but I should warn you that this site has graphic content.)
Larry Miller said, regarding the South Dakota law, he was “astonished that the hottest button issue is now going to be decided in a state with 12 people,” with Steinem saying that “only 12 people in the legislature voted against it” (that may or may not be an attempt at humor on her part – I don’t know the exact total). Maher also mentioned the story of
the 24-year-old computer technician who got his girlfriend pregnant, and now, since he’s said he didn’t want the baby but she did, he’s saying he shouldn’t have any responsibility (nice guy). Maher referred to this case as the “Roe v. Wade for men,” which to him sounded like cologne (“I’m wearing it now…”).
Steinem said that, “we don’t know enough…was there a deception?” and Maher half-jokingly said, “Contraceptives don’t fail, rubbers don’t fail,” and Ramesh Ponnuru said, “that’s the slogan of every deadbeat dad. Instead of trying to get out of it, he should take responsibility,” an entirely correct thought which was met with polite audience applause. Besides, as Larry Miller said, “every guy at 24 says something stupid…that’s how it started with Robert Blake.”
As far as the interaction between the panelists, the episode was basically “The Bill and Gloria Show,” with Steinem making a lot of interesting points in that quiet, patient and persistent manner of hers – I’d forgotten how good it was to hear her speak on these shows in a way that doesn’t “dumb down” what she’s saying, even when I didn’t agree with her. I’m not sure exactly what was going on with Larry Miller; he came on with a beard, which was definitely a new look for him, but he said some really “off the wall” things (such as consistently repeating his thought that “there are going to be nine different Democratic parties” or something like that, and trying to come off as some kind of “conservative lite” in the process). As for Ponnuru, he frequently sat there with this big, dumb grin on his face, saying very little (I’m finding that that’s a standard conservative pose as a response to the growing hostility towards Bushco these days, what with all of their little schemes falling to pieces while innocent people in this country pay the price for their stupidity and arrogance), though I agreed with some of what he did say, surprisingly, until the very end.
Maher said, “there was a lot of corporate news between Enron and the AT&T/Bell South merger…greed and shark-like efficiency is really the root of all evil. Bush (understands this stuff, presumably). How could he blow it on Dubai? We’ve been dealing with the Arabs forever,” and Steinem said, “Bush has to make these deals to finance his debt.” Maher again said that, “we live next to Long Beach and the Port of Los Angeles, and only 5 percent of our container traffic is inspected,” and Larry Miller said, “on what other issue are you going to find Jimmy Carter agreeing with Rush Limbaugh?,” at which point (I think) Miller led into his “nine different Democrats” theory for the first time. Ramesh Ponnuru said that “there was anti-Arab prejudice involved,” a notion I categorically reject, though I understand that he has to say something like that. Maher, tying in corporate nonsense with the Iraq War, said “the Pentagon contested a 250 million dollar bill against Halliburton for shoddy work, saying that, according to the contract, ‘the contractor wasn’t required to perform the work perfectly’”…how can you (presumably pointing at Ponnuru on this, with Maher even exhorting him to get mad at one point in a joking way) justify this with FDR’s edict that ‘we will not have a single war millionaire’ from World War II?”
As sort of a response to that (but not really), Miller said that his nephew had graduated from boot camp, and he said “they (presumably the entire unit) are ready to do something – the only reason we’re sitting here is because they’re ready to go” (an admirable thought, and we should all be grateful to them, though I don’t know what that had to do with corporate profiteering from the war). Steinem pointed out that the majority of the people of this country want us out of Iraq, and Miller said, “I don’t care who’s president in ’08 (with the discussion centering on John McCain and Hillary Clinton), but they’d better get better faster at this or lives will be wasted (
and they haven’t been already, I think to myself as I watch this?). Steinem asked Miller, “What is better?” (presumably, continuing to fight or getting our people out of Iraq), and Miller said “there’s something going on, and it’s not because we’re awful” (
huh?). Steinem pointed out that “our presence is a source of Jihadi recruitment,” one of the correct points that have been made many, many times on this show, making me wonder why more politicians don’t get this by now. Maher said, “Cheney said the other day, ‘the terrorists who have gathered in Iraq’…please. They’re there because of us.” Ramesh Ponnuru finally spoke up and said “we should build up the Iraqi forces to fight themselves,” and I’m thinking “sure, we’ll build them up SO THEY CAN BLOW EACH OTHER TO PIECES!” (now that I think of it, I disagreed with Ponnuru more than I realized at the time). Maher then spoke directly to Larry Miller about some orthodox Jewish rapper named
Matisyahu, and Maher used this for a comedy bit about other undiscovered Jewish rappers such as “Ol’ Dirty Testament,” “Kid Lox,” and “My Son, The Doctor, Dre.”
Maher then interviewed John Burns of the New York Times via satellite who had recently returned from Iraq, and Maher asked Burns point blank if there was a civil war going on. Burns immediately said “yes, and it has been going on for some time. The only question is the scale and how that impacts troop withdrawals. There is no sign that the insurgency is relenting.” Maher said, “it looks to me like a Mafia war. They’re targeting insurgents and leaders, especially al Zarqawi, targeting ‘capable people’.” Burns said “That’s one of the reasons why they can’t form a sectarian government…also, a sectarian political class is preventing a consensus from emerging three years into the process.” Maher then echoed the tired refrain of bringing back Saddam, and Burns said “I don’t know if that would be good because of the tyranny of how he ruled. There were many mistakes made, but my feeling is that if this fails, as I have to say, on the balance of the odds, it seems now likely to do, it's probably not going to be because of American mistakes, but because the mission was impossible in the first place.” Burns added that, “we have good leadership over there now (Casey, Abizaid, etc.), but it’s very uncertain if they’ll prevail. Drawing down troops could further destabilize the area, but delaying troop withdrawals is a political problem. There’s a whole tidal wave of opinion against it” (Withdrawal? The war in general? Unsure…).
Returning to the panel discussion, Maher pointed out that “(William) Buckley came out against the war recently, saying ‘our mission has failed’ (and how does THAT ‘support our troops,’ I wonder to myself?), and also George Will. Who’s left to defend?,” and Ponnuru said that “neither defended the war” doing his very best “Pontius Pilate” also. The entire panel agreed that Burns gave “a balanced, judicious assessment,” with Ponnuru saying that “this administration has slowly and painfully righted its diplomatic course (
really?), but it may be too late.” Maher mentioned something about what appears to be an ongoing investigation into the death of Pat Tillman, pointing out that Tillman “was a Democrat (something I didn’t know). ‘Oh my God, he read Noam Chomsky!’ I think there’s a cover up,” and Ponnuru said “I don’t know how much more you can investigate” (oh, I’m sure you can do a LOT MORE investigating into that).
Maher asked, “Did we show strength against the Arabs (in starting the war),” and Steinem said “we showed stupidity and re-enforced all Arab notions about America” (her bluntness was refreshing, and seemed to take the audience by surprise a bit). Ponnuru spoke up quickly and said, “Burns said it would be a good idea to topple Saddam Hussein,” a statement that, of course, would require a great deal of research to actually verify (I just assume conservatives are usually lying when they say stuff like that based on my past experience – hey, if Ponnuru is right, I’ll give him credit). Maher pointed out that John Edwards said last week that he was wrong on the war (actually, John Edwards
said that every eloquently last November). Gloria Steinem said that Congresswoman Maxine Walters voted for the war because she thought the president had the power to do that anyway (I’m quite sure Congresswoman Walters has since been “schooled” on the error of her ways now – I hope so anyway). Maher mentioned the wiretapping, and Steinem pointed out that Bush breaks the law, and instead of calling Bush on it, the Republicans
change the law instead. Maher made the odd remark that, “since Bush has fought the rest of the war on terror so badly, maybe this is the only tool he knows how to use,” which only proves that smart people can also fall into the trap of lizard-brained thinking also. Steinem said, "But if he invaded the wrong country, what makes us think he's going to wiretap the right people?" (good point). Larry Miller started to say something like, “I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world (to do that),” and I’m thinking at home that Larry Miller should acquaint himself with the FISA, and Steinem said, “All (Bush) has to do is talk to a judge.” Ponnuru then said, about FISA, that “responsible critics said that the only problem with the law is that we didn’t involve Congress,” and as I pondered who Ponnuru considered to be a “responsible critic” who might actually take his balderdash seriously, Maher announced that it was time for “
New Rules.”
(…if our local elected officials are going to botch the job, I mean…)
