Doomsy's Do-Gooders And Dregs

I suppose it would be a good idea to revisit 2005 one last time before we toss it into the ashcan, so here's a look back.

Like most years, it had some ups and downs, but all in all, we made it, so that's something to be thankful for (and I'll try not to take easy shots at "the usual suspects," though that will be difficult to avoid).

Darkest Moment

Release of the grand jury report on pedophile priests in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia

Most Inappropriate Wording From A Politician

Jim Kolbe

Continuing Search For A Pulse Award

Bob Casey Jr.

Biggest Story

Devastation of Hurricane Katrina

Biggest Non-Story(ies)

The "Runaway Bride"
Daylin Leach's Blog

Update 1/7: The Philadelphia Inquirer named Leach today as one of the legislators who gave back all of a portion of the infamous pay raise to the state recently (see below). That's another reason why I don't care about his blog.

Weirdest Story

The naked "Zorro" guy in Doylestown, Pa.

Most Outrageous Moment Of Thievery

The PA pay raise scam

Most Inappropriate Comparison By A Politician To A Dairy Farmer

John Perzel

Most Shameless Political Grandstanding

"Dr." Bill Frist diagnosing the terminally ill Terri Schiavo on T.V

Most Pornographic Republican

Mary Carey

Most Courageous Performance By A Conservative

Andrew Sullivan on "Real Time with Bill Maher" (particularly when he said, "I'll never trust this guy (Dubya) again.")

Worst Columnist

J. D. Mullane (lots of competition here...one runner up would be Richard Cohen for saying that Patrick Fitzgerald should give up on trying to determine who "outed" Valerie Plame because it's too complicated; it only takes eight letters to figure it out, Richard, and those would be K-A-R-L-R-O-V-E)

Most Disgusting Attack By A Repug Mouthpiece On Fox Whose Father Is A Journalistic Legend

Chris Wallace

Worst Writer Pretending To Be A Political Operative

Scooter Libby

Most Courageous But Disgruntled Government Official Who Brought Down A President

Mark Felt

Worst Performance By A Businessman Pretending To Be A Politician

Doug Forrester

Best Political Story

Victory by Smith/Caiola in LMT Supervisors election

Worst Political Story

Bush wiretapping scandal (I've got more coming up on that)

Silliest Sports Soap Opera

The Terrell Owens saga

Most Underrated Deceased Celebrity(ies) From '05

Ernest Lehman
Shelby Foote also
(both men would probably scoff at that characterization)

"Don't Let The Door Hit You" Award Winner

William Rehnquist

Most Esteemed Individual To Leave Us In '05

Rosa Parks

Political Rogues Gallery

Mike Brown
"Duke" Cunningham
John McCain
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Creepiest Political Actor Who May Yet Make A Comeback, Unfortunately

Scumbag Santorum

Person Of The Year

John Edwards (at least two reasons: his letter taking the blame for supporting the Iraq War and his foundation to fight poverty at Chapel Hill, N.C.)

Have a happy, healthy, and prosperous 2006!

So?

OK, now I’m good and riled up!

So, these geniuses at The Pew Internet and American Life Project are making a big deal about what men and women do online, I see. Well, aren’t WE just prone to generalities!

I mean, suppose I want to read more about “The Hero’s Journey” into “Original Experience” and the time and spatial properties of his concept of eternity as theorized by Joseph Campbell in his discussions with Bill Moyers. Or suppose I want to read more online about healing through the use of biorhythms and herbal aromatic therapies. I guess I’m not supposed to do that, am I? Is it because I’M A GUY??!!

Well, I have another side too. Maybe I want to stroll in the forest and explore the inner recesses of my soul on occasion. Maybe I actually want to read Emily Dickinson aloud at times at a coffee house somewhere (and risk incurring wrath not unlike that visited by John Belushi upon the guy playing the guitar in “Animal House”). Maybe I want to be cuddled and nurtured in a fluffy white cloud that will gently transport me to my “happy place.”

But no!

I feel unfilled if I don’t read the stock ticker and determine if my shares of Amalgamated Widget dipped a point or two and figure out how to do an online share transfer into a less aggressive security if I have to. It is my duty to read the news online about the cat that managed to stay afloat in the river in Montana and “Mrs. Partridge” taking her clothes off. I feel an insatiable craving to read every last, excruciating detail concerning the rehab of all of the Philadelphia Eagles’ football players currently on injured reserve.

I MUST VIEW PORN!

Alas, my viewing is confined to that which is easily categorized and defined by some pusillanimous, online know it all. I am unable to probe the inner depths of my being. It’s enough to drive me to despair (sigh).

...

:-)

Alito Of Him Goes A Long Way

Consider this a primer for the upcoming hearings, which should be very interesting to say the least:

Thing One:

I’m here to ask as best I can
Would you like Scalito Sam?
It’s true he strenuously feels
As U.S. Court judge of appeals
That government needs no assist
Being a strict “constructionist”
From liberal groups with a ”solution”
Of reading in the Constitution
Entitlement, advocacy
And thus a right to privacy
A Princeton grad and Yale law
“Concerned alumni,” Seton Hall
There’ll be no confirmation crisis
Conforming with Cornyn’s “stare decisis”
Beyond the law, his dedication
To the Italian American foundation
Shows a man we must protect
A scholar and an intellect
We mustn’t let “the left” deter
This conservative of character
So I’ll ask again, as best I can
Would you like Scalito Sam?

Thing Two:

No.
I would not like Scalito Sam
I’ll summarize as best I can
He ruled police were right to shoot
An unarmed youth while in pursuit
Who ran from cops in Tennessee
After a $10 burglary
Everyone should be dismayed
By his attack on Roe v. Wade
Pro-choice rights have been hard earned
The ones he’d blithely overturn
Even “Casey” he resents
Without spousal consent
He thinks discrimination’s swell
When found at Marriott Hotels
And don’t fight it at MCP
On grounds of disability
At Congress, he and wingnuts are aggrieved
“Exceeding grounds” on family leave
He finds punishing police abhorrent
Who strip search while carrying a warrant
Immigrants cry in frustration
At his regard for deportation
On this, the high court does guffaw
At Sam’s contempt for “settled law”
“Concerned Alumni” sought his clout
At Princeton, which would thus stamp out
The gains, thus made in small degrees
By women and minorities
And now, he thinks we all are saps
To fight illegal wiretaps
For these and reasons many more
I won’t concur, but do abhor
Promotion, and by cruel design
Ascension of this Philistine
I’ll answer straight as best I can:
I DO NOT LIKE SCALITO SAM!

And neither should you.

Sources: Completed questionnaire submitted by Alito to the Judiciary Committee, Democrats.org, Think Progress, Law.com, The Washington Post, TPM Cafe, and the L.A. Times (I would have linked to all of them, but it would have made it difficult to read).

Here is an interesting link to information on Alito, particularly opinions he's written, from the Philadelphia Inquirer (registration required, of course).

One more thing - I definitely apologize for that awful pun.

With Tauriq Aziz As Mr. Carlin

I know Bushco wants to keep everything under wraps concerning the release without charges being filed against the two scientists who helped develop Saddam Hussein’s chemical weapons. However, through some intense investigative journalism on my part and some even more intense hallucinating, I can now announce with total certainly the reason why Dubya released them.

It’s because they’ve been signed by Fox Television to star in a brand new sitcom! It's the "Dr. Germ and Mrs. Anthrax" Show!

Here is the preliminary script for the pilot episode…imagine the two ladies sitting down on an elevated train in Chicago, one wearing a beige trench coat and the other carrying a newspaper under her arm, sitting next to a short, bald man with a slight stammer. After exchanging pleasantries, they leave the train, descend the stairs and head for home.

They take a few minutes to relax and work in the kitchen, when they hear a knock on the door. The person knocking (airline pilot Howard Borden) then opens the door and enters the room.

Rihab Taha: Hello, Howard.

Huda Salih Mahdi Ammash: Hello, Howard.

Howard (holding a sugar bowl): Hello, ladies.

(Cue canned audience applause)

Howard: My, you both are looking particularly lovely today in your black shawls and long skirts to hide your appearance.

Rihab: Well, you know what they say in Iran, Howard. Better to have a black shawl than a live Shah!

(Cue canned audience laughter)

Howard (sitting down on the couch in the living room, putting each hand on his knee): Oh Rihab, you’re such a cutup. But I have to say, Huda, that it turns me on to be around a woman like you who keeps her thoughts to herself. You know what they say about the quiet ones (snicker).

(Cue canned audience “woooo” sound, or whatever that’s called.)

Huda (muttering as she chops away furiously on a cutting board, destroying an onion and crying slightly): Better to feed my entrails to the buzzards than to fornicate with an American infidel like you!

Howard: Sorry, Huda, I didn’t quite catch that. Can you repeat it please?

Rihab (elbowing Huda in the ribs and cursing quietly at her in Arabic): Err…what she said Howard, was….was…was that, she’s been shopping at sales but getting all flustered, but when Howard stops by, she gets so “in a state” that she doesn’t know what to do.

(Cue canned audience laughter)

Howard: Aw, Huda, that’s sweet of you. Hey, by the way, do you have any sugar? I need it for my coffee. I usually load up before I take off. I’ve got a transatlantic run tonight.

Rihab: That’s nice. Where are you flying to?

Howard: I don’t know.

Huda: Weren’t you going to ask someone before you stepped onto the plane, you imperialist oppressor?

(Cue canned audience laughter)

Howard (giving Huda a bit of a funny look): Well, yes, of course. It depends whether or not I’m flying direct to Heathrow from O’Hare or “laying over” first at Newark. I’ll find that out when I arrive at the terminal.

Rihab: Well, this is so interesting, Howard. But I’m sorry to tell you that we don’t have any sugar. However, Huda and I have been working on a new recipe, and we’d like to give you a taste and see if you like it.

Howard: Really? My, how thoughtful. I’d love to give it a try. What’s the occasion?

Huda (growling slightly): “We’re throwing a party, and I just made some punch.”

Howard (getting up and walking over to the kitchen): “Sounds great.”

(Howard takes a small glass of a clear liquid and walks from the kitchen back to the living room, sitting down on the couch again and bringing the glass up to his face near his nose.)

Howard: “Hmmm, this has an unusual smell, sort of like bitter almonds a bit. Reminds me a bit of some Scotch I once had, Glenfiddich™ I think.”

Rihab (laughing slightly with Huda): “Oh, it will feel warm as it goes down all right.”

(Cue the murmur sound from the audience, or whatever that’s called)

(Howard takes some of the drink and put the glass down on the coffee table, placing his hands on his knees once more. At the same time, Rihab and Huda start laughing and shaking slightly. As soon as the glass touches the coffee table, Howard grabs his throat and falls over onto the floor, screaming hoarsely as he tries to get up.)

Howard (growling and gurgling): “GAAAACK! I THINK MY ESOPHAGUS IS ON FIRE!”

Rihab (laughing out loud along with Huda): “What are you talking about, Howard? Did I use too much vermouth?”

Howard (throwing his legs out but otherwise immobile): “YOU HORRIBLE BITCHES! WHAT DID YOU DO??!! I THINK MY LIVER JUST EXPLODED! AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!”

(Howard kicks his legs one final time before collapsing, dead on the floor. Rihab and Huda slowly walk over towards him, hovering over the body.)

Rihab: Any signs of a hematoma? Any bleeding from his nose, mouth or ears?

Huda: No, there are no visible signs indicating that he has been infected with the new strain. But it may mutate, so we’d better pack and leave quickly.

(Rihab and Huda both walk quickly to their bedrooms and start packing.)

Rihab: Now, we have to move to someplace else and get new jobs. What are we going to do?

Huda: Oh, we can go to California. They hire illegal aliens for nannies all the time.

(Cue canned audience laughter)

Rihab: Maybe San Jose or someplace near Mexico? (talking as they continue to pack)

Huda: No. My aunt lives in San Francisco. She used to watch this family with four girls. One man takes care of all of them, and they live in an old Victorian.

Rihab: That might be good. What is the name of the family?

Huda: I think they’re called the Tanner family.

(cue the “Full House” theme – “everywhere you go, everywhere you see, botulism for you and me…”)

OK, was this sick and twisted? Yes, I know it was. But as far as I’m concerned, that also describes that fact that we had these two women in custody for almost two and a half years and could not make a case against them, even though they were designated as “high value targets” by Bushco. We also will probably never know what kind of “quid pro quo” took place to prompt their release.

This whole episode is STILL more evidence to me (as if we needed any) that we have a presidential administration guilty of arrogance, stupidity, and impeachable incompetence. And even I know that that is not funny in any way, shape, or form.

Update 12/29: I'm chastising myself at this moment because I meant to point out that I was inspired (possessed?) to write this post after reading Robert Scheer's excellent column on The Huffington Post. The very last paragraph should be read by every citizen of this country.

Guns Don't Kill, Canadians Do

I somewhat agree actually with John Thompson of the MacKenzie Institute (first clue that this story has to do with Canada is that the name “MacKenzie” is involved) in that illegal gun traffic from the U.S. into Canada is only one part of the problem (I would call that the “front end” and classify poverty and displaced immigrant populations that don’t have much to do as the “back end,” and as we know, it’s much easier for jingoistic politicians of either stripe to address the “front end”), but I think Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin pretty much acknowledges that. All he’s asking for is for this country to try and tighten up the flow of illegal guns a bit, and we know how far a request like that is going to get, especially with the Repug cabal we currently have that is bought and paid for lock, stock and barrel by the NRA calling the shots.

Actually, speaking of our buddy Charlton (“Try To Pry This Weapon Out Of My Cold, Dead Hands”) Heston and his bunch, I would ask that they read this information about the Canadian Firearms Act of 1995 and imagine how it would read (assuming it would even exist at all) had the NRA quashed it the way they do that with gun legislation in this country (I mean, the NRA is such an agreeable bunch, after all).

This paragraph caught my eye in particular.

A national survey commissioned by the Canadian Firearms Centre in 2000 found an estimated 2.3 million firearm owners.

More than 1,000 Canadians die every year from gunshot wounds, most of them by their own hand. In 1996 the total firearm deaths amounted to 1,131, of which 815 were suicides, 45 were accidents and 156 were homicides.

The violent crime rate has been steadily declining in Canada over the last two decades, and progressively fewer crimes are being committed with firearms. In 1978, Canada recorded 661 homicides, a rate of 2.76 per 100,000. Of these, 250, or 37.8%, were committed with guns. In 1998, Canada had 555 homicides, a rate of 1.83 per 100,000. Guns were involved in 151 of the homicides, 27% of the total, the lowest proportion since statistics were first collected in 1961. Robberies using firearms accounted for 18% of all such crimes in 1998, down from 25% in 1988 and 37% in 1978.

The story from the link also mentions that the law is being challenged by gun owners in the province of Alberta who raise cattle, as well as aboriginal tribes and other associations of gun owners. I respect the fact that they are completely within their rights to do that.

Also, let me be clear; if a law abiding citizen in this county owns a firearm and that person practices gun safety and learns how to use the weapon correctly, then as far as I’m concerned, it is that person’s property and no one has the right to confiscate it as long as no crime has been committed.

However, I think Canada is doing the right thing by trying to establish common sense guidelines that are subject to change as dictated by court rulings. I don’t read about any hand wringing in Canada when it comes to renewing a law to ban the sale and manufacture of assault rifles, and I’m quite sure that Canadian gun makers don’t have the same type of ridiculous blanket immunity from liability that U.S. gun makers have (not that that could have done any good for Richard Johnson of Philadelphia, who Tom Ferrick, Jr. of the Inquirer introduced us to earlier this year).

What, Me Read?

So NBC Anchor Brian Williams recommended a book on Theodore Roosevelt to Dubya the other day, apparently. I also have a recommendation to Dubya for a book about Theodore Roosevelt, and I’ll get to that in a minute.

I happened to come across this item at Barnes and Noble when I was doing my Christmas shopping, which is the most perfectly apropos tome that I can think of for this administration (actually, I’m being kinder than I should).

Here are other recommendations for Dubya from earlier this year (assuming he’d appreciate the irony and humor, which is a HUGE assumption, I know).

(By the way, the rest of this Yahoo news “story” is par from the course from our lapdog “liberal” media.)

Her Next Reality Show

So let me get this straight, OK?

- It sounds to me like Bushco is trying to advocate granting more power to federal courts to rule in probate cases that, until now, had been the jurisdiction of state courts (another dramatic contradiction on the part of "the party of states rights," as far as I'm concerned). As pointed out in the story, Anna Nicole Smith lost in the Texas courts in her inheritance battle, but if the Supremes ends up giving more power to the federal courts, that will help her case (and I wonder if the Washington Post was trying to be cute when pointing out that Smith, a former porn star, was involved in a case that "could reach a climax"?)

- It also sounds like, in the process of doing this, Dubya is trying to stab another former "Skull And Bones Society" Yalie in the back (the deceased J. Howard Marshall II by name).

- Defending the jiggling, pulchritudinous (when her weight is OK) litigant can hardly be considered a sap to the "moral values" crowd.

So what other reason could Bushco possibly have for getting involved?

Easy. Maybe Dubya is actually reading this blog, and he's following my lead on "For The Love Of America" posted below.

(Either that, or I'm still delusional from my medication to even post on this...more probably the latter.)

What Child Is This?

This is the great news that O'Reilly and the Dobsonite clowns will never despoil, even though they profess to be acting in His name.

THE BIRTH OF JESUS (Luke 2:1-20)

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.

And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David): to be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.

And so it was that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shown round about them: and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.

And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will towards men.

And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them unto heaven, the shepherds said to one another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.

And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.

And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child.

And all they that head it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds.

But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.

And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the good things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.

Merry Christmas, and may you all have a joyous holiday season!