This just in: three events have just been added to this summer’s Olympic Games to be held in Beijing, China this year (as announced by China’s State News service)…
1-Meter Tiananmen Square Protester Tank Chase – Athletes will be dressed in the typical garb of pro-Democracy students and allowed a 10-second running start to outpace a ZTZ29 battle tank approaching at a top speed of 28km/h. This competition commemorates what would have been the certain conquest of highly-trained and equipped soldiers against the threat of courageous but barely nourished, disorganized and unarmed teenagers had not the government intervened with a skillful and premeditated massacre.
Journalist Roundup Men’s Quarterfinal – Participants will be provided will all equipment necessary to invade the dwellings of foreign correspondents and forcibly remove and transport them to a holding pen inside the Olympic compound, fortified with 20-foot-high concrete columns and an electrical chain link fence. As the journalists arrive, they will be blindfolded, gagged, and tied about the hands and feet with piano wire. The participant who abducts the most journalists will win the competition.
Dalai Lama Hatchet Toss – The one regarded by the Western media as the head of the Tibetan government will be allowed to remove himself from protective custody (in the event that he is captured greeted by our government) in order to participate, restrained positioned in front of a game board showing strategic point totals (10 points for an appendage, 20 points for a limb, 30 for the midsection, and 40 for the head, heart or lungs). But not to worry – participants will be awarded 50 points for a miss; after all, we’re a civilized nation! And in the event that the real Dalai Lama is unable to participate, we will substitute a foreign journalist instead.
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